COMPLETE NOVICE IN NEED OF HELP PLEASE!!!!!

the rhyming scheme is kinda all over the place. but i like that. alot of people like a set structure but i reckon with this song it gives it the kinda of turbulent feel that fits the song.

maybe a few too many syllables in some lines every now and then, makes it seem a bit clumsy sometimes. But I do exact the same thing in my songs. maybe im just not singing it in my head right.

When i write I always finish with a heaps of words in my verses then i think 'could i say the same thing with less words' and try and cut the fat, so to speak. Again, up to you.

I think when you write just lyrics, you often end up with alot of words, but once you put some music behind it, the guitar can carry the song forward so you dont feel like you need to be singing the whole time.

I especially like the last line and the last verse *except!* for 'that was all a load of mush' maybe instead you could us 'but your words dont count for much' Anyway, just a suggestion. Id like to hear it put to music aswell. Good work though! espcially for a first try. Keep em coming.

Surly,
Thanks for the reply!

The one thing i did know about this was that i didn't want it to be too even. Its a time that im feeling very up and down and wouldn't relate if the song had perfect phrasing. Mind you if you think thats uneven you should see the other one i wrote - its all over the place haha!

LOL since i have been writing i do find it a little difficult to say what i want with one short line but is definitely something that im going to work on. I did have a tune in my head but some how i managed to change it all the way thru.

"But your words dont count for much" is much much better - thank you! I struggled and struggled with that last verse as i find it difficult to put my feelings into words as it is and as this situatuion literally happened that night - was still reeling! So thank you didn't want to use the line but in came in as a stop gap! :-

You were my last chance
You were my Leap of faith
Now lost my trust in romance
You said dont tar me with the same brush
But your words dont count for much
Cos baby, you're just the same

Going to start working putting it with music soon, then hopefully i'll be able to edit it a bit more, to trim the fat.
Thanks for your input much appreciated
AKD

Hi AKD

I agree with surly here, the rythm scheme is a little off-balance, but depending on how you sing/play the song it might come off well :)

Do you have any idea about music yet? As an initial reaction I'm getting fingerpicking in the verses with strumming in choruses.

(I kinda have some stuff in mind for the whole song actually, but I won't post it 'cos it's your song after all! lol :))

Good job, hope you get the music down for it!

Pete

Hi AKD,

Nice song here, I'm wondering what kind of music you have in mind as well. I completely agree with Surly's suggestion (and I'm glad you like it too :))

As for Pete's stuff in his mind, why not compare? Always interesting to see where the music takes you, with different music tastes, interpretations etc. Maybe even add an mp3 of your works? :roll: Just thinking out loud!

Looking forward to reading (and hopefully hearing) more from you :)

:)
-man

Hey, its difficult to get the rhyme scheme, or exact wordings on a song without knowing how your gonna sing it so I wont comment on the those.

I like the theme of second best though, evereyone can relate to that fear of making the wrong decision.

Some advice though, try to get a melody in your head when your writing and use it to guide your words. If you can hum your song then your halfway there. If you stick to an AABB or ABAB scheme it is easy, but then it can limit the music so im trying to get away from that myself. I like how your rhymes fit in though.

In response to your other post id like to hear your voice and it would be awsome to get some female vocals on that song. And if you need help writing music I write more music then I know what to do with haha.

In in NY right now but ill be back in a week or so let me know.