Hey,
Check this one out. Metalwerk i think you will like this one. Don't be rude if you don't like it just tell me how to make it better. Constructive critism is the name of the game.
Hatred
Wash this blood off of me,
Cause I cannot start again,
Everyone rejects me,
Cause I'm different, they're all the same,
Bloody face and two blacks,
Came home to mommy dear,
The only words she uttered,
Is boy we're getting out of here…
Because no one can accept me,
I may be slow and dumb,
But to those who reject me,
You're the ugly ones,
Because who we are can't shake the fact,
Of what we are outside,
And in this world today,
It's all that matters not what is inside…
Everywhere we go,
Everyone's the same,
I feel bad for those,
Think it's cool to be so plain,
I may not look the way you do,
Or think and talk like trash,
But I can guarantee you in the end,
Those like me will have the last laugh…
Because no one can accept me,
I may be slow and dumb,
But to those who reject me,
You're the ugly ones,
Because who we are can't shake the fact,
Of what we are outside,
And in this world today,
It's all that matters not what is inside…
Hatred what it should be called,
Hate for those not like you,
Look at what you see today,
Is this what you're supposed to do?
I can guarantee you in the end,
You will not be able to pretend,
You didn't do it, you prove it,
Lying will find your end…
Because no one can accept me,
I may be slow and dumb,
But to those who reject me,
You're the ugly ones,
Because who we are can't shake the fact,
Of what we are outside,
And in this world today,
It's all that matters not what is inside…
I like the concept. First verse is good because it puts an image in my head. Images are good. Then I'm waiting to see what happens to him. Triumph? Self destruction? Revenge? But it becomes kinda preachy, if you know what I mean. I'd say you've got a winner. Just needs a few rewrites.
I would do something like this. First verse is good. Sets it up. Chorus is where you preach (i.e. this is what I feel and what's wrong with people.) Second verse: transferred to a new school but was beat up or picked on again (or something like that which moves the story along). Chorus preaches. Third verse tells what he does about it. Very visual. Then chorus repeats preaching and we go 'oh, I get it.'
Anybody agree or disagree?
hey, i haven't made any changes to it thus far. funny thing with this one is it took me about 5 minutes to write the whole thing. When i start a song it just seems to pour out of me, i'm sure i can fix it though. thanks
question metalwerk, do you find it it impressive that a kid of my age can write such a song as i just have? i find myself impressed with what i can do at some times reading over my songs. Actually yesterday i was reading through all the songs i've written, and i deleted 40 pages of songs off of my computer cause they sucked but sounded good at the time. But the rest of 'em stilll sounded good to me.
I've got 26 years and an English BA on you. What you're doing at 15 is light years ahead of other 15 years old who are just playing nintendo and watching TV. At this rate, if you don't give up, I guarantee your stuff will be on the radio in 5 years (if that's what you want).
My problem was no one told me what to do until I was a Junior in high school, then it was a long uphill battle.
I'm sure when you write something really good, you know it, and you can defend it if someone tells you it's bad. But the bad stuff, you pretend it's good, but you trash it when someone criticizes it.
After awhile you'll write more good stuff than bad and you'll understand why you write bad stuff (usually it comes from laziness) and you'll stop doing it. It's so much easier spending 3 hours writing something good, than 15 minutes writing something bad and spending 10 hours trying to make it good. That's a hard lesson to learn.
thanks. in the situation i live in its all i can do. i live on an island in the caribbean right now so its kind of remote nothing to do. so about 8 months ago i started writing songs to pass the time and its payed off. i love it when people tell me my songs are good, but as long as i have self-satisfaction thats all that matters to me sometimes. i definitely defend myself when i write good songs. I hope to hear my stuff on the radio in 5 years that would be way awesome.
Nothing to do in the caribbean? Wish I was so unlucky.
don't believe me. the island is 27 miles around. i've been around it like 300 times its boring trust me.
Can you try and record it maybe, might make it easier to give comments.
i wish i could record it. unfortunately i don't have the resources to record it. i should be getting stuff like that in 6 months or so. but i don't have it right now.
