hi!I'm new here...-I need to win this match-what do u think?

is there anyone on this board? (not meant to be said in any arrogant way, just cus there are no new posts and such)...

Hi Missmatilde,

Welcome to the forum! And don't be concerned if now and again it seems that nobody's around. Maybe it has to do with the moon or something else, but at times people get busy with their other life and aren't able to spend the time they would like here. All in all, I think you'll find it worthwhile being here. I know I have. There are lots of good folk around as well as advice and encouragement.

I don't know if this is a first attempt or not, but either way, it's not bad. When I read it I'm a little thrown off every time you use the word "match." It has me wondering (maybe that's what you wanted) if it's a tennis match or what. I would be content to simply hear "I need to win." Too, the last 2 lines . . . in some ways it seems anticlimatic to me. I know you're slipping in the "soul" thing, but I wonder if it might be placed better in your last complete verse somehow.

Keep in mind that we're not pro's here (especially me) Certainly there are some sages around and I'm sure you will discover who they are over time.

Looking forward to seeing more of you and your work. And again, welcome!

Neil

I totally get it now... This moon thing is curious ;-)... to me has the effect of getting 'distracted' way esily, and music is normally involved =)

'match' was originally 'black', but a few people really said I should change that and so I did... It's more about being lost in painfears and feeling like you don't really know yourself anymore.. and getting through it eventually...
I don't really know abt what to do with that line, cos it's supposed to be the hook, and while I could feel it in that place in the song as simply 'I need to win', it reallyisn't that strong of a hook&title... totally looking for advices, and looking forward to read you guy's lyrics, this does seem to be a really nice community! :-)
thanks for your comment.
Matilde

Hi Matilde

Yeah the moon does funny things around here ..

I have read you lyrics and this is observation take it or leave it just my opinion ..

The title : OK you want it be the hook this word " match " ..

I read the title before opening the thread and straight away I thought a song on sport ....Tennis , Football ...

Not a bad thing if you are wanting that , to me you don't as this " match " isn't a game , so in my humble opinion I would have this titled
"Need To Win "..Leaves it up to the reader / listener a little bit ...

Need to Win ..Need to Win to what will be a closer reaction then a song on sport

This verse seems very awkward ..

I see a smile, a huge smile
so I'll smile too
its face, its few words
are my answers too

The word smile mentioned 3 times in about 10 words makes it a bit awkward to read / sing my way through ...

I'm not going to be anal and point out typos but there is some , just be alert to the fact we are international some things may have to explained , and it always pays to check your work before posting ..

Preview it read whats' there , correct if need be then post ..

This may seem like a nasty reply and trust me it isn't meant to be , I am only trying to help you ..

Of course you can always ignore me ,
{ most people do ask my wife ..Oh thats' right she isn't talking to me } :lol: :lol: :lol:

Over all very nice lyrics , do you play a instrument ?
Any chance you can play it for us ?

Trevor

match was black at the beginning and the word black was my hook... I had already the music, and didn't felt like messing with it anymore, but some peps didn't like black there and so I changed it (but I'm not sure at all abt match and actually I liked black better).the bridge does use the world smile a bit too much, but I think it made the contrast greater and made it feel much like a resolution, and with music it does have some decent flow, but ye I realize that it reads awkward... with match thou all that the song aimed to mean is kinda messed up... sorry for messed up grammar sometimes, but...what did you mean for typosto be explained things?... I'm probably to much braindamaged right now, but I really can't see what you mean, after re-reading my first post :(... pleaz tell me so I can avoid in the future (maybe when my mind is assisting me ;-))
about the instrument... I do play guitar a little but.. I rather let the-ones-who-can in my group play... the piano I do play decently, but I use it just to write, and it's been a while since I'v actually played 'seriously'

Hi Missy,

Okay, I read it again . . . . and again . . . . and again . . . . .which is okay because that's what one is supposed to do. Still, I come back to feeling it's not about winning the Match . . . . not about winning Black . . . . . . it's about winning your soul back . . . . but I understand you want to keep your soul as a punch line . . . . so why not keep it "I need to win."

Too, I've been thinking about the ending. . . . what about something like;
questions, and answers
now they are both there
I'm warm now,no need to disappear
I won, I got my soul back

Just an idea.

Neil

I edited the second version taking some of your advices, it did mean changing the end musically to, but I think the new end does sound better...
thanks 4 all ur feedbacks, I really love this community... u guys are doing much more than just reviwing :!: :D :D :D
I'm seriously grateful :wink:

Hi Missy,

I like the rewrite . . . . especially; I need to win me back

Neil

thanks :-)... and thanks also 4 the huge help in getting me to that rewrite..