hope you enjoy! feedbacks are really welcomed :-)
hey.... u guys know I love you! :-)
:puppy eyes:
hi
I edited, one line... which I didn't feel great about... and... now I really need to know what u guys think abt it... and if u think it sucks, feel free to say, I'm here for feedbacks, whatever they say.
love u guys... oh the moon
Hi Miltilde,
Those puppy dog eyes . . . . . . well, never mind about that. About the song . . . . . . I like it . . . . well, most of it. The 5th verse just doesn't flow for me. First line . . . "chock" . . . . . do you mean choke . . . . or shock? In either case I'm not sure how you got to that state. Then,
When my glass is half full, but with poison inside,
Every time you empty it, and make my dark thoughts leave my sight.
I understand, (I think) what you're trying to say, the image you are going for . . . . . . compared to your other writing I don't the the expression is as good as you can get it.
Then;
So much you did for me, but I still remain a mess,
Useless and unprepared.
"mess" is such a blah word for me, at lieast in context here. How about something like;
So much you did for me, but I'm still in disarray,
Useless and unprepared.
Everything else works for me. Good stuff!
As always . . . . IMO
Neil
first, thanks so much for your comments!
then... it's actually choke.... sorry... and it's kinda mean feeling the world too heavy on my head, and thus feeling sorta suffocated, grasping for air...
the poison line... I get it's kinda too straight forward, but I simply have a connection, so I think I'll keep that.
on mess however, I agree, that's quite a sucky word, that line I wil rewrite!
thank's again 4 ur comment, u're always so helpful!
