June 17th

hey Mezlay, like the song!

The lyrics and the imagery are good theres just something about the flow that seems to not be quite right.
Don't get me wrong the lyrics are fantastic, i love the imagery, and the lyrics convey emotion and tell a meaninful story. the flow starts out really well at the beginning then seems to fizzle out a bit in the last three versus. It's almost like theres a split metre in each verse, each line has a completely different pulse than the others. This can simply either work wonders when sung, or it can't. But thats entirely up to you. :)

Here's a few suggestions for flow and metre:

Verse 1 Original
We always mess up, haven't you ever?
Well when it happens I hope theres someone.
Why does she never mess it up?
And I guess I'll never know

Verse 1 suggestions
We always mess up, haven't you ever?
When it happens, there's someone there
how can she never mess up?
I guess I'll never know

Verse 2 is good, the last line breaks the flow a little.
How about:

Is it messed up to deep for repair?
I try and call you every morning
every morning, though I know you don't care
I don't wish to bug you, any more than I must
but tell me this; what can I do to earn your trust?]

Verse 3 original
When I told you what I thought
I should have thought about what I thought
I know i'm just some stupid kid
But I really like you alot

okay if you count the syllables in each line, this is what you get.
7
9
8
8
and you seem a little muddled with what you want to say in this verse. just sort through the words you don't need (often called tag words) until you get to what it is you want to say. Try and avoid repeating the same word three times within a verse(thought) Something like:

I told you what I thought
but say I love you, I did not
I know I'm just some stupid kid
but deep down, I like you alot

Verse 4 original
Can't we just forget that night?
I caused you pain, you even hurt me more
I Know I wasn't right
It tore us apart.

Verse 4 suggestions
Can't we just forget that night?
I caused you pain, you hurt me more
I Know I wasn't right, what I did was wrong
but can't you see, it has torn us apart

Last verse is great, and that ending just hits you, great stuff.

Another way of portraying flow is to perhaps use one of your versus as a chorus and repeat it once in a while, that way it wouldn't matter too much if the other verses were out of metre, because the listener can grasp to the consistency of the chorus.

It is important you realise these are only suggestions... it is widely known that songs like these sound almost perfect when sung, telling a story, with true feelings being shown, and sometimes adding boundries such as rhythm and repitition can take away from that. but when writing for a listener, it is important to give them something constant or consistant to grasp, in some ways it could make your song more memorable.

good luck with this! look forward to seeing some more songs from you. :)

Jacqui

good suggestion Jacqui
:D :D :D :D :D

cheers
L.K

wow. that was really good Jaqui. thanks alot. i'll use those suggestions i real like them. thanks you taught me a little more about how to write a good song!