This is the revised version of week 38 from SSG. If you have more suggestions plz feel free to comment or if you think up of a melody or chords then add them too. Thnks!!
Untitled [don't like original title so plz make one up for me!!]
She lay awake in the dark
Alone in the park
Thinking of a past
Now out of her grasp
He'd come into her life
Wanting her for his wife
And when she'd refused
He wasn't amused
He would have what he'd come for
She ran towards the door
But day after day
He still got his way
He watched every move
Though she never could prove
As he stayed out of sight
While he watched her at night
But she still heard a noise
Knew it was his voice
He grabbed hold of her hands
Till she obeyed his commands
Did what she was told
Lost all control
While he continued to grind
And mess (maybe a stronger verb than mess) with her mind
She was yelling and screaming
He said "You are dreaming"
Said, "Remember our deal"
But all she could feel
She was yelling and screaming
He said "You are dreaming"
Said, "Remember our deal"
But all she could feel
He never came back
For another attack
But she'll never forget
And will always regret
That very first night that they met
It a sad song, but very well done. I think that would be a terrible fear, what with a person never leaving you alone and yet you are unable to resist them. As for a title I would call it "Unforgettable" or maby "The Tormentor".
"The Tormentor" sounds really good. For this i didnt know wut to write about cuz the topic on SSG was espionage/spy/detective and stuff like that. I felt that writing about a stalker is close enough to a spy. This is one of my first lyrics so thats why the rhyming scheme is a bit too much as some ppl would say.
But still, fantastic work. Thanx for taking my coment into consideration too
AABB is almost impossible to work out.
Why don't you take the idea and:
Write a chorus. Create a hook for the first line of the chorus.
Re-write in ABAB
Without a hook you won't have a title.
first of all....great writing :D
gives a good image on how this guy is...hes 'possessive' so you could put that word into the title...maybe 'under the thumb'? or...'the story of a possessive man'? just a though...cool song..me likes :D
"people laugh at me because im different...i pity you..because your all the same"
It depends on what you are writing for, but you really need a hook.
that is what your title should be based on.
The chorus is very important too. If you want to complete this song, that's where I'd go.
this one is not one of my best so yeah... check out "there is no tomorrow" i think that one has a hook in the chorus or something and its ABAB like some you of like it to be. i just did this one for SSG and it didnt take more than 10 mins... so quality was not inserted into the making
Very good. I really liked it.
I agree with Nick on the AABB gig. I personally don't care for that rhyme scheme at all unless you are repeating lines for emphasis. Of course I'm a sucker for drones.
Also, you're pretty explicit on what is physically happening, but I don't think you touch on with what this girl is feeling enough. It kind of left me with the feeling, "Okay .. then what happens" ....
So, like, um ... then what happens. :)
like i said b4 this was written within 10 mins for SSG so not much effort was put into this... i dont know what happened to the girl after...the guy just left and thats it...its lame but ohh well
