Miss Staylow

You wrote a great little story in your song.

I really like how images of what you wrote come into play.

"She drinks her
whisky like its
lemonade

throws the bottle
like a
handgrenade"

I really like those lyrics too.

I think your lyrics flow very well, your story comes through good, one thing I would change is this verse:
"Toiling in sunspots
my time has never
known such worth"

You have the word "worth" in the verse before it also, and it just seemed alittle out of place to me. Hope it helps.
Dan

Nice lyrics. I like the first part more than the bridge. Everything flows well, and like someone else said, you're telling a story. I just don't understand the bridge's relationship to the rest of the song, are those the reasons you love her?

Also: I don't understand these two lines

"I can't keep but
I'll try anyway "

I really like the first part a lot, maybe it'd help ME if you explained the bridge part to me.

You had a great story line down, then lost me at the end (as Taso was saying).

Do you have a chorus or was the ending the start of it. That ending was really funny, “throws her bottles like a hand grenade”. LOL

I understand this one isn't finished but, can you structure it a little better please?

With this part –

“I cant keep but
ill try anyway”

Did you mean – ???

I cant keep up but
ill try anyway

Great start! Hope to see the ending soon.

Thanks ghost, thats the rhymy catcher =).

The song is comparing 2 lovers. The first one is kinda the lone wolf sympothetic love in this example my first. The bridge which is the 2nd girl who is more outgoing and crazy really doesnt care if im around its kinda up to me to "keep up".

dan the words are "work" and "worth" that works :wink:

the structure is very weak...i want to place the chorus around more but its not workin...and im not much of an editor im always worried about loosing originality with over editing.

"I cant keep but ill try anyway"...ya that
s a typo..."I cant keep up"

: Stay low :

And I see her
In the night
when she tells me
Shes allright

well i know that its a lie
when she then begins to cry

*chorus*
She drinks her
whisky like its
lemonade
throws the bottle
like a
handgrenade

And man
youve got to love her
with all
love her with all
your heart
*chorus*

If you know she's
worth it
boy you better
make it work

Toiling in sunspots
my time has never
known such worth

*up tempo'd bridge*
*chorus*
She drinks her
whisky like its
lemonade
throws the bottle
like a
handgrenade

boy
I know you loved her
right from
loved her right from
the start
*chorus*

had fallen down
from spinning to fast
love on the earth
in the comfort of the grass

Fed her my ambitions
too soon i regreted
my hastily actions,
her scent she had spread it

thanks for the replys :D

You got some good suggestions and the changes look pretty good and make it easier to follow. Good story.