This is the first song I have ever written. It is extremely personal, to the point i'm actually afraid to share it. It is about a person that I loved and always will. I could really use some constructive critisism about my writing. Here goes nothing.
I miss you
The Rain sings my song
The Groaning of my soul
The breaking of my heart
Silent from the thunder
The Memories flooded in
As my body buckled
The pressure of your love
That I took for granted
I used to hear your laughter
All I hear is rain
As my body aches
In this age of pain
The rain is my song
The groaning of my soul
The breaking of my heart
Silent from the Thunder
And When I'm old and gray
somethings time wont change
the ripples of this pain
will echoe like the rain
If there was just one thing
that i could take to my grave
would have to be those memories
you know those special ones we made
Like that night we kissed
That night I touched your lips
When we embraced
In that tender kiss
The rain sings my song
The groaning of my soul
The breaking of my heart
Silent from the thunder
The rain sings my song
The groaning of my soul
The breaking of my heart
Silent from the thunder
I know it doesn't hold much weight these days
It's such a common thing to say
But i'll say it either way
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you
Sweet_Lou,
I'm impressed. You're a natural.
In my personal opinion, 'Silent' from 'Silent from the Thunder' should be changed to 'Silence'.
Another personal opinion:
The Memories flooded in
As my body buckled
to
My body buckled
As memories flooded in
I'm questioning lines 4-8 on the 6th section. They seem to repeat themselves. Perhaps you could re-arrange it a little bit?
Like that night we kissed
That night I touched your lips
When we embraced
In that tender kiss
to
Like that night we kissed
That night I touched your lips
In that embrace
When we were one
It may be totally off from what you were aiming for, but it's just a thought.
Critiquing something personal can be hard, as the writer has an attachment to the piece. They remember how they felt better than anyone else.
Overall, excellent job. Just ask if there's anything else you'd like help with.
Best regards,
Eugene
I don't know everything and I don't claim to, but I listen and I learn.
Nice song, Lou.
