Alright here it is:
Can't you see my smile? Can't you? Can't you?
Can't you hear my laugh? Ha Ha Ha Ha
They Look so nice, but only in mirrors
Can't seee my heart thats ever in tears
Can't you feel it? my heart beats
Can't you see it? my chest moves
Think the smiles stuck on my face?
Think the laughs lodged in my throat?
Well it isn't, I put it there
but i'm a window, to those who care
Can't you feel it? my heart beats
Can't you see it? my chest moves
Can't you see in? here I am
Can't you see in? or don't you care?
Theres the reason, you've closed the shades
took precautions, killed the maids
Haven't came up with an ending yet but soon maybe. tell me what you think. please Critique.
ummmm i dont know but u did say ''cant you'' alot
I like your song it has lots of potential. The word "can't" is said a lot. I read it over and over and thought about a few changes that could help you to improve it. But again these are just my opinions. So have fun with them and do what you'd like...lol....
Possible Titles:
1. Can you feel me
2. Feel me
I would like to hear your final draft that you end up with.... and what style of music you create out of it. But keep on writing....
Aeryn K. McAvan
Do you see my smile? Can you? Don't you?
Can you hear my laugh? Ha Ha Ha Ha
They look so nice, but only in mirrors
Can't see my heart thats under these tears
Can you feel it? My heart beat
Can you see it? My chest moving
Think this smile was born on my face?
Think this laugh is lodged in my throat?
Well they're not, I put 'em there
Am I just a window to those who care
Can you feel it? My heart beat
Can you see it? My chest moving
Can you see in? Here i am
Can you see in? Do you care?
There's the reason you've closed the shades
Took precautions, killed the maids
Can you feel it? My heart beat
Can you see it? My chest moving
You;ve closed the shades
what the h*ll am I to do?
My smile, my laugh
I put 'em both there
I want you, want you to
See me
I want you, want you to
Hear me
Care
You've closed the shades
My smile, my laugh
yea yea yea
Can you feel it? My heart beat
Can you see it? My chest moving
Can you feel me?
Can you feel me?
Feel me, feel me
Can you....
Can you feel me?
You cannot live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.
Life is not about what I've done, what I should've done, what I could've done. Its about what I can do and what I will do.
Hey Mezlay,
Just to differ a bit from the previous two posts... I think can't is the correct choice for the song you've written. "Can't you...?" is demanding and implies that the opposite is true.
However, it may be a bit of overkill to continue to use it during the chorus. Maybe condsider altering the chorus so that the lyrics change gears, without changing the meaning of the song. Maybe something like:
Touch my chest and feel it rise
Touch my heart and feel it beating
Whatever works. Nice start. Keep going.
Ice cream is a dish best served cold.
Thanks for all your oppionons maybe I'll put my final draft on here real soon.
How 'bout "Parched" for the title? because you need something to "get the lump down" I liked that part. I also agree with Slowplay on changing chorus. Good job. G. :)
