Hey guys just thought I would share something wiht you I am working on. This is my first song I have ever attempted to write, and man its not too easy too say the least. But this is a chorus to a song I am working on, any help would be appreciated...I am kind of in a rut as to were to go next.
Im just a lonely man
struggling to find himself
my minds uncertain
and my souls afflicted
Maybe this night things will be right
I will find myself
And end this fight
this fight with myself
That is keeping me down
hi xxGuitarManxx
Just a couple of things ..
1/ try to keep the length of each verse uniform with each other such as your song one verse is longer then the other , now I am not saying what you have is wrong but it makes it easier for the author and reads / listens better to the reader / listener ...I find
2/ Maybe this night things will be right { for me is too long } maybe ..
Hopeing tonight things will be right [ just a suggestion ]
Apart from my above statements you have a nice beginning here now expand on this ,
Tell us about this fight ..
Why are you a lonely man ..
Whats so special about tonight ..What going to happen ??
Good start keep going with it
Cheers
Trev..
Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am
Hey thanks man for the input, I will add too it then post what I get next
how's that for a start
Woke up without you by my side
You left without a warning
Now my mind is left to ponder
On thoughts of you coming back
Even though I try to hide it
the pain only gets worse
through every drink and every toke
i seem to be slippin further into depression
Im just a lonely man
struggling to find himself
my minds uncertain
and my hearts afflicted
Hoping tonight things will be right
I will find myself
And end this fight with myself
That is keeping me down
Your on your way now keep going
what you have is a great first one
Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am
Hey Guitarman,
strickly speaking this forum is for set assignments, which is maybe why you are not getting many replies. The Guitar Noise Songwriting Club is really the place to post this song. Having said that, mate this is a great start to a song, good on you. As it stands at the moment youv'e told us quite a lot about the situation, what you are saying is really good. What you need to do now is concentrate on how you might deliver this message inform and entertain us at the same time. The delivery is where you get a little bit pragmatic. Consider some rhyming, just to tie the verses together internally. Then consider repeating some phrases maybe to tie each verse to another verse. Also consider a chorus or bridge that gives us a little relief from the verses, in the chorus maybe as Hilch says you could tell us how these things make you feel. Anyway enough of my monologue, this is a great start so dont give up on it.
BTW I really recomend you read Nick Torres's artitles on how to write songs they are really very good and are almost all you need to know.
cheers
Paul
Hi GuitarMan
Moved you over here as your post is not strictly Sunday Songwriter's related which canmean you don't get as much feedback as you woud here.
Good start and good to see that you're taking other people's opinions onboard and using them.
Keep it up.
If you want to join SSG please feel free to do so, there's an assignment every week just follow what I post up for it.
Hope to see you there.
Bob
You are what you eat, eat well
