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(@x_gyllenhaalic_x)
Trusted Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 31
Topic starter  

Hey meh little buddeh's. I have a new song! 'No More' is based on my roleplaying character on neopets, Pilot (pilot-k.tk) and well, Pilot hates his mother. She's an erotic dancer and blames almost everything on Pilot. The worst thing she had ever done to him, was snuck up on his while he was taking a bath, and then shoved his head under water, trying to drown him. But a friend, who had been in the house (err.. Sorry, trailer) at the time, had stopped Pilot's mother in time. Pilot was alway's lieing to his mate's saying he got come scar's, cut's or bruise's from falling over; when really, they were from his mother

Okay, here is No More:

V1: I hope,
Someday that I will find my soul.
I cope,
But now I know what you stole.

Bridge: I'm hurt beneath inside,
This pain doesn't want to hide

C: No More,
Let me be free.
No More,
I can't stand your glee.
No More,
Please don't make me plee.
I can't this pain, no more.

V2: Do you know,
I've been scarred for life.
So try and throw,
Some love not a strife.

Bridge (x1)
C (x1)

Coda: I know that thing's will hurt me,
And my heart and soul will cry.
I know that thing's will hurt me,
But I can't stand no more to lie.

I hope,
One day I'll find a way.
I cope,
I scream at another fray.

C (x1)

Jake Gyllenhaal/my oh my/your so cute/you make me sigh! I <3 JAKE!


   
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(@slowplay)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 420
 

Sorry about the double post. I'm not sure if its me or Firefox or what.

Ice cream is a dish best served cold.


   
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(@slowplay)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 420
 

Hey gyllenhaalic,

I think you've got a good start to a strong song. A lot of people can relate to the song since none of our parents were perfect. I think you could probably expant the verses a little, maybe talking specifics, or using specifics as methaphore.

Speaking of specifics, I didn't like the rhyme with 'glee'. I can't remember the last time I've heard that used in conversation, so it seems like it was just a throw away line. There are a couple other lines like that where you may want to consider changing them as replacements come to mind. (Dont' get me wrong, for a song you put together in a few days, its quite good, but now is the time to polish it a bit.)

Also, the word 'plee' is the noun form of the verb pleed, so pleed should be used instead, the way things are. To me it makes for a more interesting rhyme anyway.

Keep going, and let us know what you come up with.

Ice cream is a dish best served cold.


   
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(@anonymous)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 17 years ago
Posts: 8184
 

first of all, it's plea, not plee.

"freed, greed, plead" would work there, as well.

songs come out better when they're written closer to the way you speak, or at least close to the way someone you listen to speaks or writes.


   
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(@slowplay)
Honorable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 420
 

Thanks, Bro, my grammar was always better than my spelling.

Ice cream is a dish best served cold.


   
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(@x_gyllenhaalic_x)
Trusted Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 31
Topic starter  

Thanks for the advise. I went to this site that find's rhyme's to words and defination... *shakes fist* damn you rhymezone.com

Jake Gyllenhaal/my oh my/your so cute/you make me sigh! I <3 JAKE!


   
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