heres my latest, by bff likes the first one better (the longer one) here it is:
I'll never forget what you did
I didn't know you would pretend
to be something you're not
What was the point?
Why did you do what you did?
Why did you shatter my heart
into billions of tiny pieces
then faked loving me again?
You dont really care about
About what has happened to me (or about what you have done to me)
All the blame is on your sholders
You're walking around with a
Guilty conscience
[Chorus has yet to be written]
Would you blink an eye
if I told you it was over.
If I told you I was through
being you only escape
from the smirks and snickers
aimed at you
How would you feel then?
Don't abandon me again
with the pieces of my heart
scattered all around me
and the second one:
You're wasting your time here
waiting for her to come back to you
You try to let her go
but you look like a fool, to me
Just hoping and praying for
her to just turn on her heel
and re-enter your life again.
It ain't gonna work
you gotta go after her
But you're just staying here [a nice loud bang on the drums!] hangin' back
Makin' a wish, dont give me that.
and thats as far as i've gotten with those songs.
What do you think? and i can take critisisim.
"i wish the world was made of chocolate"
[--Tyler Burkum--]
She's calling out to You, this is a call; this is a call out... [--Thousand Foot Krutch--]
This is very good so far, but without a chorus it's difficult to tell where the verses go - add something that gets your point across and it'll be fine
:D
"You know, it eez possible to be too attractive." - Pepe le Pew
"Be excellent to each other, and party on dudes." - Bill and Ted
Hey, nice start.
If you're looking for some direction on the second one, I think I'd work on some imagery. I was thinking maybe you could describe the scene where she leaves (since he's waiting for her to turn on her heel, I imagined that she hasn't even quite cleared the door way yet).
We also don't know why she left yet. Not to critisize, I know it's in progress; that's just where I might taking things.
Be sure to post the second drafts.
Ice cream is a dish best served cold.
