These few lines only took all day to write. Any comments appreciated.
Pink flowers in a glass vase by my bed
Jangly guitar sound in my head
The sun wants in
I want out
But I don't know where to go.
Missed the train I should be been on
Next one may not ever show
The sun wants in
I want out
But that was a long time ago.
It's been slow when I needed fast
And fast when I wanted slow
But now I have nowhere to go.
Hey Pearl,
Nice start!
I hearing this set to a variations on a D chord like
Needle and the Damage Done or Can't find My Way Home.
You may need to tighten up your meter a bit.
Example:
Pink flowers in a glass vase by my bed
Jangly guitar sound in my head
These two lines contain 18 syllables where as on the next
verse there are only 14:
Missed the train I should be been on
Next one my not ever show
I would not say they have to be exact but 4 beats
may be a bit hard to fill musically.
Also I think it must be a typo but did you mean:
Next one "MAY"not ever show
This line might work better as :
Next one may not show
Of course then you're down to 12 syllables.
Sorry didn't mean to get all OCD on you there.
You have some nice imagery here. I really like the train imagery
and the sun.
The last three lines seem as they would work well as a bridge
or chorus.
It's been slow when I needed fast
And fast when I wanted slow
But now I have nowhere to go.
Hope this is of some help.
John
Thanks for the input. The last three lines I thought of as a bridge. But as a bridge to what i don't know!
I didn't think of the meter thing in the verses. Damn. you have to think of everything with this songwriting thing!
