Scars

you guys gonna reply to this one or what?

The steady use of the word "heart" gives it a stong solid feel. But it uses little to no imagery only vague emotions. Maybe try and use a few visual images to describe the emotion your trying to write about. It helps connect the listen. I enjoyed the the chorus of

And our hearts are beating,
Out of time,
And our hearts are taken one by one,
I won't let them take mine,
And I hope that we hold on,
I won't let you go…

but it gets 4 times. There are only 2 verses

Our scars are just now healing,
And all of this I'm feeling,
I don't know how much more,
We can take,
And all eyes are now upon us,
And in your eyes I still trust,
That everything will be okay…

And I hope that you can know,
That all of all our souls,
Will be taken if we don't try…

and

And the pain that I am feeling,
I have lost you now,
They got inside of your soul,
And took everything you have,
But I will avenge you,
I swear I will defend you,
I will not let it happen again…

And I will revive you,
I will survive too,
Who's to say they will get inside…

another verse may help.
Over all I enjoyed the song and hope this helps.

thanks. I've been trying to work up a third verse, but i'm not getting anything. This song was hard to write and hard to get ideas for which makes it more difficult to come up with more.

Hey Rej,

I like the feel of the song in the sense that words you picked fit together nicely rhythmically. There's a good flow.

However, I've got to agree with the scarcity of imagery, and the use of vague emotions. For example, where you lost me:
And I hope that you can know,
That all of all our souls,
Will be taken if we can't survive…

These lines really don't say much, and just re-use the words you've already used throughout the rest of the song.

Maybe if you tell us what its supposed to say we can help with some more specific suggestions.

i guess in a sense its trying to say along the lines of people are sort of becoming controllec by things nothing in specific and it is basically saying that these people won't let their lives be controlled or in a more "emotional" way won't let their souls be taken.

OK, great. Now if you want to work in some imagery, and have more than vague emotions, start asking yourself some questions. (I bet you already know the answers to all of these, but your readers don't yet.)

Who are the "these people" you are refering to?
Do I know them? Are they me?
It seems like it's a guy singing to a girl, is that the case?
How are they going to "not let their souls be taken"?
How will the guy "avenge" anything if the other falls?
Also, how will he "defend you" or "revive you" and especially "survive you"?
Is there any other way do describe it? Is he standing at gate, knocking it down or is he behind the gate re-inforcing the defences?
Are there specific scenes in this war? I pick out only one... the one where the other falls.
Is there anything you can tell us about the "soul snatchers"?

These are example questions. You need to ask your own. And I don't think that you really need all that much work, just changing some phrases throughout the song could probably help paint a pretty nice picture.

If anyone else has some specific approaches they would take, I'd like to hear... this is just one way.

By the way, this song would make a good submission for this week's Sunday Song Writers Group assignment. :D

i thought this weeks sunday songwriters thing was about internet? i have asked myself these questions, i still don't know the answer to who they are i've been working on that.

hey
did you know that papa roach also has a song called "scars"? but hey urs is totally AWESOME!!!

i do know papa roach has a song called scars. a friend helped me name my song from the fact that she was listening to that, and since my song mentioned scars she thought it was a good idea.

i dont know wut type of music you like but try listening to papa roach scars...its a great song