Hi, I've not been here in a while and I've decided to get back into writing again. Below is a song I wrote a little while ago. I've made some changes so let me know what you think.
Silent Night
Silent night, blood-soaked daytime
Poets dreams, soldiers cries
You better pray for tomorrow
You better pray that you said goodbye
The postcard view's no consolation
Just one of god's sick jokes to make you think
The blood and screams conspire against you
But now you see the price that you must pay
He said the odds of winning were beside him
Now he's digging out the nameless graves
He'll mask his fear with cries of fury
But soon his peace will strike eternally
The bells ain't ringing but it's christmas
He'll spend it in this eerie hell
Don't go thinking that it's the first time
But what he doesn't know is that it'll be the last as well
Silent night, blood-soaked daytime
Poets dream, soldiers cry
We'll curse, we'll grieve, we'll mourn, we'll pray
But we won't ask the reason why
Your thoughts and opinions appreciated,
Pete. :)
Why Do Other Peoples Shipbuilding When you Could Go Diving For Pearls Of Your Own?
If this the story of an injured soldier? Not sure what to critique without being politically incorrect.
I liked the chorus, personally, but I hate to say that I found the song as a whole a bit tough to decypher. I believe that it is about a soldier in the field, during Christmas, but there are a lot of specific lines I just don't get.
It may be in there, but I'd like to hear more about how the soldier feels about being away from home. You describe a lot of scenery, which is good, but to me, you're a bit light on emotion.
I think your strongest lines are the ones that match both, like the line about the postcard.
Also, the God-like knowledge that this will be the soldier's last Christmas seems out of place. Maybe talking about how he/she is fighting back the knowledge that it is possible/likely that it will be their last Christmas. I think that'd more interesting, and more engaging of the listener.
Ice cream is a dish best served cold.
