Stand Up
In the end, it's not a word
In the end, it's not a phrase
You got to stand up
Even if it means falling down
She was there, an angel's face
Long blonde hair and an air of grace
Smiling all the time, making me dance
Talking with a sweet rhyme, winning with just a glance
But as it seems now,
Over and over again
All that passed to fast
And I'm waiting for you to be you again
It all went so well, love over gold
We were cast in a spell that never would grow old
Holding hands and trading places
Everything grand and a sea of fading faces
Something changed
When the secrets came
And all that passed to fast
And I was waiting for you to be you again
And it seemed to be fine that last night
We had such a time and watched as dawn began to light
But you seemed apart after that day
No time, no heart, it all fell away
In the end, it's not a word
In the end, it's not a phrase
You got to stand up
Even if it means falling down
And I'll be there to stand up
And catch you if you fall
I'll be there to stand up
And catch you if you fall
advice, ramblings... anything?
p out
lois: 'Chris, women are not objects!'
peter: 'Your mother's right son, listen to what it says.'
yes, rambling, descriptive inconsistent rambling.
I don't like this, but it does have many good qualities. There's a few lines that were very amorphous, like "love over gold", that' pretty good, but it's got the same half-form as the whole poem as a piece. First, when you say those words, the mind can't create an image, though it is trying to because you offered a preposition, and those always lead to imagery. So, to make this more effective, I would change love, it's a dead word, as much as any other, and in order to incorporate this concept of whatever gold is, you have to make something real out of this sensation. I think that chocolate has an innate ability to convey love, so the phrase would end up being something like "golden chocolate", I've dropped the preposition, but to keep it, "chocolate poured over gold."
I hope you rewrite this emotion and think a little bit more about how you feel when you're writing, because this song is the cliff-note version of a beautiful sunset, but at least you have that sunset in your mind.
I don't follow my dreams, I just ask em' where they're going and catch up with them later.
-Mitch Hedburg
Did you see that!
If you are going to rewrite the "love over gold" line, I think something like:
Strolling rose-petal trails
From the yellow-brick road
Sure it hints at an Elton John tune, but it implies chosing love over gold/money, it fits with the "Holding hands" part two lines down, since both are verb phrases, and it also fits thematically with the next line ("We were cast in a spell") as both invoke thoughts of magic.
Of course, you'd have to rework it the fit your rhythm.
I'm just not a fan of the whole chocolate thing, though I think Snoogans is correct (if not a bit harsh) in saying that you could make your imagery more obvious to the listener, since you definitely seem to have the imagery in your mind.
At the same time, I'm not a big fan of songs that are so indirect that I don't get them. So it's up to you to find the balance.
Good start... keep going.
Ice cream is a dish best served cold.
