Skip to content
Notifications
Clear all

"storytime"

4 Posts
3 Users
0 Likes
1,082 Views
Artistx13
(@artistx13)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 61
Topic starter  

This is kind of a sad song about the night an abusive father kills his wife. any crituqes are welcome.
thanks,
Micheal

"storytime"

the wine glass on the table
a drop of fragrant rose
underneath it all
the simple boy wrote

a story of fearsome dragons
of swords, socerery, stone
cowboys and indians
fire, sirens, and guns

the kitchen chair pushed back
a drop of evil words
underneath it all
the simple boy wrote

a story of the glory
of valient men and foes
honor ruled the day
and evil paid

the woman on the table
a drop of crimson blood
underneath it all
the simple boy wrote

a story of the soldiers
at the alamo
johnny appleseed
davey croket

the explosion of a round
a drop of a smoking shell
underneath it all
the boys mother fell

no more stories for tonight
not until the sun shines
but for now he mourns
and he cries alone

"I named my son Marshall, yeah I named him after the amp. Of course that wasnt my first choice, I was gonna name him Peavy but my wife didnt like it."- Ron "Tater Salad" White


   
Quote
Alan Green
(@alangreen)
Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 5342
 

Quality. The only thing I thought was that the line "the boy's mother fell" is just a little too obvious. I thought maybe using something like "the simple mother fell" but I'm not sure it carries the right connotation; I do think it could benefit from a different word there though. "...suffering mother..." maybe?

Best,

A :-)

"Be good at what you can do" - Fingerbanger"
I have always felt that it is better to do what is beautiful than what is 'right'" - Eliot Fisk
Wedding music and guitar lessons in Essex. Listen at: http://www.rollmopmusic.co.uk


   
ReplyQuote
MetalWerk2
(@metalwerk2)
Trusted Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 56
 

Is the boy underneath the glass or is the story he's writing underneath it or is it symbolic?

I'm not sure I get the drop thing. I can see the drop of blood, but what's "a drop of a smoking shell?" Does that mean it dropped or is the drop a visual like the drop of blood?

And if honor ruled they day, why does evil pay?

And finally (just tell me to shutup at anytime) storytime confused me because I was expecting a story of a child being told a story, but then the mother is killed (I'm assuming by the father although the song never mentions it) so I'm thinking, was the mother telling stories? No, the child was writing stories. I'm a bit confused.


   
ReplyQuote
Artistx13
(@artistx13)
Estimable Member
Joined: 19 years ago
Posts: 61
Topic starter  

First off thanks for comments...and I thought the same thing A, but havent gotten around to messing around with it. Now as far as what the boys underneath it can be both or it can be symbolic. Just depends on how you see it. The drop of a smoking shell, really well just kinda find the song and if you ever seen some guns the casing is ejected from the gun and falls to the ground. and as far as why evil paid...good triumphed over evil...lots of people associates good with honor and well..its a syllable (sp?) thing. And as far as the title it suits the...umm setting (im not sure how to describe it) Because its talking about the child's perspective and storytime is associated with children. Umm I think that answers everything. I just feel good that you put that much thought into it.

Thanks
Micheal

"I named my son Marshall, yeah I named him after the amp. Of course that wasnt my first choice, I was gonna name him Peavy but my wife didnt like it."- Ron "Tater Salad" White


   
ReplyQuote