Hi everyone, im new to this board, so I dont know if this is the right place to post something like this. if not, let me know and I will move it. Anyways, Ive been songwriting for a few years now, but it is ahrd to get a good critic as everyone who hears them is my friend (therefor a bit biast). I am posting my latest song, so any comments would be welcome. I dont beleive this is the final version, as I am always finding things that I dont beleive fit, or maybe other lines that go better. Anyways, here it is, check it out.
The Stars in Heaven
everybody in the town, is crying all at once
every adult and child
everyone is praying will he make it
the ambulence tell a different story
Two boys, eleven years old
walked along the railroad tracks
Best friends for as long as they knew
Invincible, like children are
One of them stops and asks a question
do you know what happens when we die
The answer came without hesitation
We go to heaven, up there in the sky
They took turns kicking stones
as the moon shone overhead
a whistle in the air, signals the coming train
both the children hear it in the distance
The bigger of the two, running without looking
falls and hits his head on the steel
the warmth of redness, mixed with the cold earth
as the train made its way, around the corner
Two boys, eleven years old
walked along the railroad tracks
Best friends for as long as they knew
Invincible, like children are
One of them stops and asks a question
do you know what happens when we die
The answer came without hesitation
We go to heaven, up there in the sky
crying out loud, trying hard to move him
the smaller boy never gave up hope
every ounce of strength that was in him
was not enough to save his friend
The train was almost on them when the
injured friend stopped moving
and said with calmness in his voice
everything is so beautiful, so this is what happens when I die
Two boys, eleven years old
walked along the railroad tracks
Best friends for as long as they knew
Invincible, like children are
One of them stops breathing when the train came upon them
The other just sat there and cried
The answer came upon him, without hesitation
and There was one more sparkle in the sky
So there it is. any comments are welcome, as long as they are constructive :D
Also, does anyone know the best way to go about selling songs? I read the article that AJ wrote on this site, but it is a little vauge on how to actually find a producer. Also, is $25,000 the normal price for a song? that sounds like alot to me, be hey, if they are willing to pay :D
I have already registered this song with the Canadian Copyright board, but I dont know where to go from there as far as selling it goes.
my songs are registered with the canadian copyright board
also, Im not pleased with the title I have chosen. If there is any other suggestions I would be happy to hear them :)
my songs are registered with the canadian copyright board
i don't know how to critique it, i'm not sure how you sing, which makes it very hard to find out the rythm of the song. I like the idea of the song and everything. i just find it very hard to critique not knowing the rythm. sorry if i didn't help much.
well I play it acoustic, so its kind of a mellow song. Think of bands like "The Spill canvas" and you will get the type of song I was going for.
my songs are registered with the canadian copyright board
w.o.w hey....this is excellent,i love it and thought it was a really enjoyable read,i got the picture of the film 'stand by me' for some reason,no criticism whatsoever... i actually like the way it doesnt rhyme in the first verse its as if its telling the story and then flowing into the song.
thanks for that :)
gaz
"people laugh at me because im different...i pity you..because your all the same"
okay. that gives me more of a sense of direction i've heard the spill canvas. i understand the feel of it now.
Hey Orange,
Nice song. Well paced, good progression. A bit of wish fulfilment I think, but good nonetheless. I'm listening to The Spill Canvas right now, but honestly, when I read it, I was totally thinking country. (You know how much Canadians love their country. :D )
As far as how to go about selling songs... I don't know, never done it. However, there are two forums here at guitarnoise that may be good places to ask:
- Songwriting and Copyrights (under Songwriting)
- Music Careers (under Careers in Music)
Ice cream is a dish best served cold.
well it could be country too, it all depends on the strum pattern. But that doesnt matter anyways if I do end up selling it, they play it however they want lol.
Any ideas for a title?
my songs are registered with the canadian copyright board
i got nothing for a title, its a hard song to come up with a title for.
whoaaa...u got me havin chills over here!! I cant really picture it to a tune but just the beauty of the poetry is just...beautiful! I dont care what anyone else says you have two (3 if u count when i was born :D ) thumbs up from me!! :D
@Slowplay: what do you mean by wish fulfilment?
I dont care what anyone else says you have two (3 if u count when i was born :D ) thumbs up from me!! :D
um... creepy.... but thanks haha
my songs are registered with the canadian copyright board
haha I thought that would probably freak u out. But thats just how great the song is! :D
@Slowplay: what do you mean by wish fulfilment?
I meant that it seems you're telling the story the way you wish it had been (ie. the peaceful scene before the train hit), not necessarily precisely the way it was. There's nothing wrong with that, especially for the style you've chosen, and if this song hits close to home for you I'm sorry, but I just pointed it to cause you to think about other approaches you could have taken. I mean, grit is in, right? The band you mentioned has some raw songs. I was just making a contrast.
Ice cream is a dish best served cold.
oh ok, I get it now. Dont worry, no struck nerves here, I just wrote the song, I didnt live it
my songs are registered with the canadian copyright board
that song was awesome, of course no one really knows how you like to sing it, but i have put my own thinkin into it (I hope you don't mind, of course its only so that i could see what it would sound like as a song, im not actually stealing the song, i would just love to hear it.) I have always wanted to write things like that, where i can tell the story, goin through like that and than the end changed just enough to end the story. i was so impressed. I can't write songs at all, i can sing them and put tunes to words already written, but i never have the words, so im definately impressed with that. Do you have any other songs like that? is that a first? is there anyway you could coach me? lol.
I know it wasn't reason,
That made me do what wasn't right
but sometimes my heart falls prone
to the nature of your spite.
