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This song needs help!!


(@sparky1ma)
Trusted Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 54
Topic starter  

Keep in mind while you read this I have never written so much as a dirty limrick much less an entire song so be kind. This song is about my granddaughter and I want it to be special. The sentiment is obvious, but the words, well you'll see....

Title ?

Your mother didn't treat you right
Your father didn't seem to care
When I met you that first night
All that I could do was stare

You looked so helpless and alone
That was all I could see
I knew you needed some one
I just didn't know it was me

You try to hide your pain
under that sweet sweet smile
You win't ever complain
No, that's just not your style

I didn't have a child of my own
I alway thought the world was to rough
Instead I raised you as my own
I just hope I was good enough

We've come a long way since that first day
We've had our good times and bad
I'm glad you always wanted to stay
I love you like the daughter I never had

Please help!!!!! :?

Where am I going....and why am I in this hand basket?


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(@sparky1ma)
Trusted Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 54
Topic starter  

I guess this song really sucks. I was hoping for some constructive criticism from experienced songwriters. :(

Where am I going....and why am I in this hand basket?


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 KR2
(@kr2)
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Joined: 15 years ago
Posts: 2725
 

The last verse is the best . . . the first verse I don't care for.
Here's why . . .
I don't know the circumstances behind this . . . but it sounds like you are raising your granddaughter . . .
instead of her parents.
Psychologically, it's not a good idea to tell your granddaughter that her father doesn't care about her . . .
even if it's the fault of the father's.
A child is likely to interpret that as "I'm not worthy of being loved . . . my own father doesn't love me".
It's similar to when parents divorce . . . often the child will believe they are responsible for their parent's divorce . . .
of they might feel "If they loved me, they would stay together."
Probably because at a young age, they perceive themselves as the center of the universe . . . so cause and effect are attributed to them.
So, what I'm getting at is, if this is a song for your granddaughter, it's not a good idea to fault the parents . . . even if they are at fault.
That's not going to do anybody any good . . . and more likely do everyone harm or hurt.
Instead, write more verses about why you are glad that she is a part of your world.

By the way, I'm no songwriting expert . . . far from it . . . I just mess around with lyrics . . .
and no one gave you feedback . . . so I thought I would say something.

It's the rock that gives the stream its music . . . and the stream that gives the rock its roll.


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(@huricane)
Eminent Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 29
 

These are pretty good.The key is if you can sing them in a manner that captures and conveys your emotions about the topic, then they are really good.

What you might try as an excercise is to see if you can reduce the word count and still get the same feeling across. When you do this, you sometimes find more potent ways of expressing the thought.


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(@sparky1ma)
Trusted Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 54
Topic starter  

Thanks for the advice. It is much appreciated.

KR I understad where you're coming from and I'm going to change that first verse, but she is 18 yo, so her reaction wouldn't be that bad.

Hurricane that's a good idea I hadn't thought of that (aka no talent for writing). Thanks for the tip.

Anyone else, please chime in.

Where am I going....and why am I in this hand basket?


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