Here's a song I wrote recently that I'd appreciate feedback on.
http://larrykenny.mine.nu/misc/walking.mp3
I know my voice isn't great, and my playing is a bit sloppy in places; I'm mostly looking for feedback on the composition itself - if the melody is singable, if the accompaniment gets too repetitive, and if the lyrics are ineffective. I'm open to any suggestions as far as rewriting parts of it. I think perhaps I should continue the bass through the verse transitions, but then again I also kind of like leaving the acoustic bare. And yes, the fret noises are very pronounced... I dunno, I like fret noises, I just hope they don't strike the ear as percussion offbeat to my string slaps.
Also, the "bass" is actually my six-string equalized to death and dropped an octave. Don't tell anybody.
Hello GuyInSummers. Could you post the lyrics also?
Better to critique with.
Kingwood Kowboy
Author of over 6,600 song lyrics
http://www.kingwoodkowboy.com/
Sure, here they are. They look a bit awkward on paper, with the 'oh' in every verse line... hopefully it sounds effective though.
Walking
I (oh) tread cotton-pillow grass
and my (oh) the water looks like glass.
Why (oh) is the breeze a flannel sheet
where I (oh) could gently fall asleep?
CHORUS
Why doesn't time pay attention?
Why is the sunset perfection?
Why is it so?
I think I know.
I (oh) don't feel like heading home
and I (oh) don't want to walk alone.
Why (oh) is the air an azure touch
that I (oh) like so very much?
CHORUS
Ok GuyInSummers. That's a neat song. However, the guy is definitely in love,
so here's a verse (or similar) you could add after the chorus maybe:
It's because you (oh) have my attention
Warm as the sunset (oh) in perfection
I don't really wonder why it's so
Because I know, (oh) I really know
Kingwood Kowboy
Author of over 6,600 song lyrics
http://www.kingwoodkowboy.com/
