Top 10 Guitarists who need to retire - this good!

This is classic, hilarious, sad and true, from the current issue of Guitar One:

By Bob Gulla, GuitarOne

The top 10 guitarists who desperately need to retire!

Will someone please tell this over-the-hill gang that their time has come and gone? That the o1' - whistle's blown for the last time? That they need to fetch their lunch pails and punch out? For good?

We know this may sound like heresy to some. We also know that modern science has made significant advances in slowing the aging process; in these cases, however, we need to speed it up a bit. We've got one life to live, for crying out loud, and we don't want to spend it watching Keef's wrinkles get deeper and deeper! Just because a guy can still stand up and hold a guitar doesn't mean he should

And so the gold watches go to:

10. Dave Navarro Dave's the Anna Kournikova of rock. You know her-the sweet-assed, intensely famous tennis diva who, despite her popularity, has never won a major tournament. Dave hasn't won anything either (except maybe our admiration for marrying a frisky woman). Dave however, goes shirtless in public at all times; Anna does not. Damn.

9. Eric Clapton Nearly forty years ago, someone sprayed "Clapton is God" across a London subway wall. Sadly, since his crowning, Clapton has failed to perform a single miracle-requsite for sainthood-and he sure as hell hasn't figured out how to resurrect his career.

8. Mike Mushok "Mr. Mushok, Andy Warhol's on the phone. He's called to tell you your 15 minutes are up. And he'd like you to relay that same message to your good friend Mr. Durst as well.”

7. Carlos Santana After hearing them everywhere for what seems like a lifetime, the hideous duets on Santana's Supernatural and Shaman albums have become the musical equivalent of dinner at Taco Bell. You can get it down OK, but sooner or later it ends up, well-you know where it ends up.

6. Keith Richards Is it me or does Keef look exactly like one of those ancient statues on
Easter Island?

5. Ted Nugent As a clean-living conservative, Nuge never got the whole "sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll" thing. "I get high on the music, man!" he'll tell you. Gimme a break, Ted-alcohol is the only explanation for Little Miss Dangerous.

4. Dick Dale If we hear his pick-melting story one more time, we're gonna scream. Better yet we're gonna find Mr. Miserlou, take him out to the Bansai Pipeline, and make him prove to us he can still surf. We don't care how old he is.

3. Dickey Betts After decades of busts, brawls, bruises, and bickering, we're thinking Dickey's about to snap. Shoot, how much guff is one redneck rocker willing to take before he hauls off – with his sawed-off?

2. Jimmy Page When Zeppelin hung it up in 1980, after In through the Out Door, It seemed a good and logical exit strategy, Unfortunately, that "out door” turned out to be a revolving door-one that slapped Page's ass back into rock, after which he gave us the Firm and the Death Wish II soundtrack.

1. Eddie Van Halen It's been 20 years since Eddie's done anything worthwhile on guitar. Twenty years. Anyone that ineffective at nay other job would have been fired 19 years and 10 months ago.