First Original Song: Updated: A Honeymoon in the Sky

Lyrics:

We see the heavens, they're glowing blue
A Wondrous, vivid, fluorescent blue
A color that's echoed in your eyes
We're on a honeymoon in the sky.

We pass the sun, it's a brilliant red
Pulled by Apollo through the air
It looks so beautiful, you start to cry
We're on a honeymoon in the sky.

We fly to a star that's golden yellow
I break off a piece, and save it for you
To put in a jar, or to hang up high
We're on a honeymoon in the sky.

We're here in space, surrounded by darkness
There's many marvels, coming towards us
The heavens, the sun, and the stars fly by
We're on a honeymoon in the sky

Gonna add another verse in there, havn't gotten around to it yet.

Lyrics:

We see the heavens, they're glowing blue
A Wondrous, vivid, fluorescent blue
A color that's echoed in your eyes
We're on a honeymoon in the sky.

We pass the sun, it's a brilliant red
Pulled by Apollo through the air
It looks so beautiful, you start to cry
We're on a honeymoon in the sky.

We fly to a star that's golden yellow
I break off a piece, and save it for you
To put in a jar, or to hang up high
We're on a honeymoon in the sky.

We're here in space, surrounded by darkness
There's many marvels, coming towards us
The heavens, the sun, and the stars fly by
We're on a honeymoon in the sky

Musically, the song is good. The solo is GREAT, and I'm pretty sure that you'll be creating amazing songs in the future. Furthermore, go take a listen to "Spank Thru" from Nirvana's new album "Best of the Box." Kurt was 18 when he recorded that and I can honestly say your song is 10 times better... now for the bad news...

It looks to me that you need to work on the structure. There's only verses and they all end with "we're on a honeymoon in the sky." It makes it repetitive. What genre would you exactly call this? Does Clapton write songs without no chorus'? I guess you don't need any, but alot of the songs on the songwriting boards have them.

We see the heavens, they're glowing blue
A Wondrous, vivid, fluorescent blue <-----------I'm pretty sure this line needs to be changed.

A. The rest of your song is ABCC.

B. You can't rhyme blue with blue (I know you wasn't trying to.) Although, Limp Bizkit got away with it a couple of times. :lol:

The transition between the intro and verse needs a little work.

I know I already mentioned this, but having "we're on a honeymoon in the sky," on every single verse is overkill.

A. It's in every VERSE, if it was in the chorus(I know, I know there is none,) that would be fine with me.

B. You rhymed eyes, cry, sky, high, and by. There is no other rhyme. ABCC don't really work when you use the same last line. Try ABAC, next time.

If that didn't sting too bad, let me know if you want me (or anyone else) to go any deeper.

Neztok, thanks for the reply, I'm going to try to respond to your questions/comments in the order that you posted them.
Musically, the song is good. The solo is GREAT, and I'm pretty sure that you'll be creating amazing songs in the future. Furthermore, go take a listen to "Spank Thru" from Nirvana's new album "Best of the Box." Kurt was 18 when he recorded that and I can honestly say your song is 10 times better...

Thank you! Appreciate the compliment.
It looks to me that you need to work on the structure. There's only verses and they all end with "we're on a honeymoon in the sky." It makes it repetitive. What genre would you exactly call this? Does Clapton write songs without no chorus'? I guess you don't need any, but alot of the songs on the songwriting boards have them.

I'm not sure what genre I'd call it, rock-pop I guess. I've never heard Clapton do it, he might have. Well, I guess there's not really a chorus in Whiteroom, just a bridge. I can see how you'd question it though, and the song that made me realize it's ok was Billy Joel's Summer Highland Falls, lryics go like this:

They say that these are not the best of times
But they're the only times I've ever known
And I believe there is a time for meditation
In cathedrals of our own
Now I have seen that sad surrender in my lover's eyes
And I can only stand apart and sympathize
For we are always what our situations hand us
It's either sadness or euphoria

And so we'll argue and we'll compromise
And realize that nothing's ever changed
For all our mutual experience
Our separate conclusions are the same
Now we are forced to recognize our inhumanity
Our reason co-exists with our insanity
So we choose between reality and madness
It's either sadness or euphoria

How thoughtlessly we dissipate our energies
Perhaps we don't fulfill each other's fantasies
And as we stand upon the ledges of our lives
With our respective similarities
It's either sadness or euphoria

Notice how he ends the verses with the same lines, obviously his lyrics have more diversity than mine, but hey, I'm no Billy Joel :lol:
We see the heavens, they're glowing blue
A Wondrous, vivid, fluorescent blue <-----------I'm pretty sure this line needs to be changed.

A. The rest of your song is ABCC.

B. You can't rhyme blue with blue (I know you wasn't trying to.) Although, Limp Bizkit got away with it a couple of times.

You're right, I wasn't trying to, and I didn't, because like you said, I can't. I don't see the problem with the line, it's just reinforcing the above idea.
The transition between the intro and verse needs a little work.
Without question, I'd definitly agree with you. It comes very abruptly, and I think that might have to do with the way I sing "heavens", kind of has a weird volume and rhythm on it. But maybe it's something more.

Again, with the rest of your post, I'd have to point you back to Billy Joel's song, which is a beautiful song, lyrically and musically, and again, I know I'm not Billy Joel, I hope to be eventually :lol:

I'm not trying to shoot your suggestions down, at all. I am really receptive of criticism, so that's why your post didn't "sting", but I can only accept it if I can understand it. I can assume that you had never heard of/seen a song without a chorus, etc, so I figured I'd show you one. I appreciate the detail in which you examined the music and the lyrics, but I'd only be buttering you up if I said "thanks for the suggestions", I feel it neccesary to respond, not only because it's the proper thing to do, but also as a token of my appreciation.

Thanks again for the detailed response.

Any further comments/criticism are appreciated,

Taso

Cool, no stinging. That's what I want to hear. :twisted:
I can see how you'd question it though, and the song that made me realize it's ok was Billy Joel's Summer Highland Falls

Notice how he ends the verses with the same lines, obviously his lyrics have more diversity than mine, but hey, I'm no Billy Joel

Again, with the rest of your post, I'd have to point you back to Billy Joel's song, which is a beautiful song, lyrically and musically, and again, I know I'm not Billy Joel, I hope to be eventually

I can assume that you had never heard of seen a song without a chorus, etc, so I figured I'd show you one.

OK, you have a point. I know that there is verse - verse - verse - verse songs. It say's right here in my "how to write songs on guitar" book. :lol: And I have heard them. But usually they don't repeat the same line every four bars. What I'm trying to say is that I THINK that keeping the last line of an ABCC pattern is limiting. That's all.

Here's a couple of verses from a Bob Dylan song that's very close in structure to your song...

They sat together in the park
As the evening sky grew dark,
She looked at him and he felt a spark tingle to his bones.
'Twas then he felt alone and wished that he'd gone straight
And watched out for a simple twist of fate.

They walked along by the old canal
A little confused, I remember well
And stopped into a strange hotel with a neon burnin' bright.
He felt the heat of the night hit him like a freight train
Moving with a simple twist of fate.

He at least gave himself a little more freedom with the AA in the AABCC pattern. He also tweaked the last line.

We see the heavens, they're glowing blue
A Wondrous, vivid, fluorescent blue <-----------I'm still pretty sure this line needs changed.

NOW I get what your saying. I could make slight modifcations to the last line in each verse, for example

"We're on a honeymoon in the sky"

next verse: This is our honeymoon in the sky

Next : I loved our honeymoon in the sky

Etc, stuff like that?

If that is what you meant, I think that's a good idea, I'll definitly see if I like the sound of that.

Thanks again,
Taso

NOW I get what your saying. I could make slight modifcations to the last line in each verse, for example

"We're on a honeymoon in the sky"

next verse: This is our honeymoon in the sky

Next : I loved our honeymoon in the sky

Etc, stuff like that?

If that is what you meant, I think that's a good idea, I'll definitly see if I like the sound of that.

Thanks again,
Taso

Taso, Good idea mixing it up like that. I would suggest doing that, and then coming back to: "We're on a honeymoon in the sky" for the last verse. Just a suggestion. I like it the way it is too, so... :wink:

yeah dnl, thanks. I'll try it and see if I like it, cause I also like it the way it is, so it's quite the dilemma ;) . Not sure when I'm gonna re-record this.