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36 Rules For Bands

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fingerbanger
(@fingerbanger)
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I found this on the internet so take it with a grain of salt. Which ones do you like?

*36 Rules For Bands*
1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word “recoupable” in the dictionary.
4. No one cares who you've opened for.
5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more “important”.
6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up.
7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music (”Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?”)
9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. Don't do it.
10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network.
11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention “artistic freedom” and “a guaranteed 3 record deal”.
12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
13. Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
16. Never enter a “battle of the bands” contest. If you do you're already a loser.
17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: “rock opera”, “white rapper”, “blues jam”, “swing band”, “open mike”, etc.
18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
19. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it's rock ‘n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
20. It's not a “showcase”. It's a gig that doesn't pay.
21. No one cares that you have a web site.
22. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
23. Don't hire a publicist.
24. Playing in San Marcos & Alpine doesn't mean you're on tour.
25. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band.
26. Although they come in different styles and colours, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
27. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends/boyfriends and lead singers are for!
28. If you use a smoke machine your music sucks.
29. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
30. Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
31. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.
32. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
33. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
34. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
35. Rock oxymorons; “major label interest”, “demo deal”,” blues genius”, “$500 guarantee”, and “Fastball's second hit”.
36. 3 things that are never coming back: a)gongs, b)headbands, and c)playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.

Let that boy boogie woogie, cuz' it in em' and it got to come out. -John Lee Hooker-
There is no substitute for experience. So get out there and break some strings on stage. -F.B.-


   
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slickschoppers
(@slickschoppers)
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man that is hillarious...

although I have to disagree with...

26. Although they come in different styles and colours, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?


   
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Clau20
(@clau20)
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Funny, but many things I disagree with :wink:

c)playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.
Never thought of doing that... One nice thing I saw in a show was a singer playing slide guitar (just a few seconds) with his mic on the guitar of his guitarist after the solo

" First time I heard the music
I thought it was my own
I could feel it in my heartbeat
I could feel it in my bones
... Blame it on the love of Rock'n'Roll! "


   
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dogbite
(@dogbite)
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#37. never repeat a song in the same night.
#38. leave the Hawaiian print shirts at home.

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=644552
http://www.soundclick.com/couleerockinvaders


   
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cnev
 cnev
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Here are the band rules I downloaded many years ago and find them hilarious:

1) Don't misspell any words in your band's name. Many bands opt to switch the letter 'I' for the letter 'y'. This is cool if you're into everyone with 1/8 to 1/6 a brain assuming that you are a crappy jock/rap/metal band. For instance, Limp Bizkit, Strait Up, and Korn are all these type of bands. Are any of them good? Check and mate.

2) Avoid using food products in your band's name. Chances are you'll misspell it anyways. Also, chances are you'll pick some crappy food over a tasty one.

3) Don't wear your band's own shirts. No exceptions or excuses accepted. Don't think the "but I'm on tour and we haven't been able to wash our clothes, it's the only thing clean I had to wear" story is gonna fly… wear the dirty shirt, you're a rocker my friend.

4) Don't play reggae unless you are in Bad Brains.

5) Cowboy hats are for cowboys only. That is why they are called cowboy hats. You aren't Madonna nor are you trend setting. And unless your main transportation is a horse just don't wear a cowboy hat, or you're a total poser cowboy.

6) This one here is a no brainer and it's mainly, but not solely, directed towards the ska bands. DO NOT insert the name of your genre, or something related to your genre into your band's name. You don't see any good bands attempt this. (except Metallica, but they have songs about satan so it's cool) The best solution to this problem is to not start a ska band in the first place, cos not only are ska bands just itching to break this rule and prove their dorkdom, but nobody's scoring gash with a ska band anyway.

7) Avoid using the words theory, project, or plan in the title of your band name.

8) Don't play funk. Don't even joke about playing funk.

9) Mc Hammer pants aren't cool anymore, don't wear them. Yeah, Fred, we're talking to you.

10) Visors on band members (or anyone for that matter) earn yourself a bitch slap. If you have your visor sideways, upside down, or both your penalty increases to additional groin area pummeling.

11) For shows, props are generally a bad idea. They usually stimulate the audience's what-the-hell sensors. If you do decide to use one, make sure it's small and you don't spend most of your time playing with it. Unless of course you are the Beastie Boys, it's 1986, you're opening for Madonna, and you have a giant two story penis on stage.

12) If your band has a cozy fan base of say, five, skip out on the huge rock star banner. It is key to grasp the idea that people don't operate on the if-they-have-a-banner-they-have-to-be-good mentality.

13) Never ever have all members wear the same shirt. This is a ridiculous concept and should not be explained.

14) If you're playing your hometown, don't say, "What's up (town)". This phrase is reserved for the out of town and/or touring bands. You might make them mad by stealing their pep speech.

15) If you're playing outside of your hometown, don't say, "What's up (town)". This phrase screams shoot me in the face.

16) Preaching is for church, shut up and rock.

17) Cordless guitars are only ok if your first name is Eddie, your last name is Van Halen, and you kick ass at playing a guitar with a power drill. If this is not the case, don't venture there.

18) Playing your guitar up by your neck makes you look like a geek. Period. If you need an example, take a cue from a few of the greats… look at Slash's guitar height, or maybe take a peek at where Duff let the bass rest, or possibly look at just how low Krist Noviselic rode his rock axe.

19) If you play bass make sure you have only 4 strings. If you play guitar make sure you only have 6 or less. If you play drums know that if your set looks like something Tommy Lee would play while hanging upside down, you are a jackass. You don't need 12 cymbals fruitcake.

20) Gold hardware and/or wood stained anything is a no-no. Ditto for neon anything.

21) White cordless mics were used by Vanilla Ice, don't travel the same road.

22) Unless you are an immortal rock god, spitting or throwing water into the crowd instantaneously eliminates any chance you had at getting laid that night. It may ensure you getting your ass kicked though.

23) Covering new wave songs, oldies, or current Top 40 songs means your band sucks mad horse dong. The "hey wouldn't it be funny to cover that N'sync song and make it punk" idea is about as funny as a knee to the crotch.

24) If all of your songs are about how much you miss your girlfriend, do us all a favor and instead of touring, stay home geek.

25) Kick out the fat guy, he's the reason you are never gonna be big.

26) If you're fat, kick yourself out, you're blowing it for the rest of the band.

26) If you're a metal band, make sure that you are a metal band before you say you are a metal band. A pretty fool proof test is to ask yourself if you think Rob Halford would be into your band back in the days when Judas Priest was the shit.

27) If you have a DJ make sure he at least has two turntables. We actually recommend no DJ, but if you gotta go there...

28) We take that back. No DJ's. This DJ in bands shit has to stop now.

29) Shave. Beards = blowing it.

30) Don't wear backwards baseball caps, unless you're the Beastie Boys.

31) Use a pick. If you play slap bass you need your fingers broken.

32) Don't tell the crowd what they can and can't do. You're not in Fugazi. If you want to be a cop, get off the stage and go join the police academy champ.

33) Unless you're the headliner you shouldn't be playing hour and a half sets, keep it short. The idea that, "Hey these people don't seem to like us, maybe they just didn't like those songs, let's play some more until we play one they like" is never accurate. Get off the stage. We want to go home.

"It's all about stickin it to the man!"
It's a long way to the top if you want to rock n roll!


   
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progressions
(@progressions)
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I don't really understand these lists.

1) Don't misspell any words in your band's name.

Beatles? Led Zeppelin?

4) Don't play reggae unless you are in Bad Brains.

Huh?

8) Don't play funk. Don't even joke about playing funk.

Again, huh? Why not play funk? I realize this is supposed to be a snarky list, but in what cynical world is it wrong to play funk?

19) If you play bass make sure you have only 4 strings. If you play guitar make sure you only have 6 or less.

What? Why? What's wrong with a 7-string bass or a 12-string guitar

28) We take that back. No DJ's. This DJ in bands poop has to stop now.

29) Shave. Beards = blowing it.

...what? What?

31) Use a pick. If you play slap bass you need your fingers broken.

What kind of perspective is this list from? Is this meant to be funny?

Sorry, I just don't get it.

Isaac Priestley: World Racketeering Squad
http://www.progressions.org/
http://www.youtube.com/worldracketeer


   
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cnev
 cnev
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Progression,

i thought the list was hilarious. Yes I'm sure it's menat to be funny, but my take on this is that it was written by some young kids in a punk/metal band.

It's always wrong to play funk!Unless maybe if your George Clinton.

"It's all about stickin it to the man!"
It's a long way to the top if you want to rock n roll!


   
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progressions
(@progressions)
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my take on this is that it was written by some young kids in a punk/metal band.

Heh, that sounds about right. :)

I'd rather listen to Prince than most kids in punk/metal bands, so funk seems pretty good to me :)

Isaac Priestley: World Racketeering Squad
http://www.progressions.org/
http://www.youtube.com/worldracketeer


   
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cnev
 cnev
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I'll be honest though I agree with most everything on the list.

Actually I had to reread them again, I still think they are funny but there is one that I don't agree with, wearing a baseball hat backwards. I've been doing that al my life way before the Beastie boys or anyone else was doing it so I feel entitled.

"It's all about stickin it to the man!"
It's a long way to the top if you want to rock n roll!


   
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dogbite
(@dogbite)
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progressions
(@progressions)
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I'll be honest though I agree with most everything on the list.

Actually I had to reread them again, I still think they are funny but there is one that I don't agree with, wearing a baseball hat backwards. I've been doing that al my life way before the Beastie boys or anyone else was doing it so I feel entitled.

Then what's wrong with playing funk or reggae? How on earth could that possibly be wrong?

Isaac Priestley: World Racketeering Squad
http://www.progressions.org/
http://www.youtube.com/worldracketeer


   
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cnev
 cnev
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It's just sooo wrong.

"It's all about stickin it to the man!"
It's a long way to the top if you want to rock n roll!


   
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dogbite
(@dogbite)
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cnev
 cnev
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Hey Dog I didn't make the rules I only publish them....but if you feel the need to play reaggae..go for it mon

"It's all about stickin it to the man!"
It's a long way to the top if you want to rock n roll!


   
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yournightmare
(@yournightmare)
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"4) Don't play reggae unless you are in Bad Brains."

--What? I mean, I know Bad Brains made some reggae songs, but that's not really what they're known for. They're known for their hardcore/punk songs.

"26. Although they come in different styles and colours, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?"

--They don't all sound the same, and who wants to sit there for 5 minutes while the guitarist changes from standard tuning to open C, or sit there for 20 minutes while he changes from standard to Nashville?

"19) If you play bass make sure you have only 4 strings. If you play guitar make sure you only have 6 or less. "

--Really? No 12-strings?


20) Gold hardware and/or wood stained anything is a no-no.

--Well, that rules out almost every acoustic guitar.

Sorry, I just don't think these lists are very funny, mostly because they sound like they were written by people who have no idea how to play an instrument.


   
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