This is my first time to submit a song. Critiques are encouraged
Smokey Ole Moon
I see the smokey ole moon out across the corn field
They'll come lookin for me when they find out who I killed
I didnt want to do it lord but I couldnt let her go
let that smokey ole moonlight help me find my way home
My woman told me she was leavin she couldnt stay around no more
She told me she was leavin she couldnt stay around no more
She said she found another man as she was walkin out the door
I turned into stone I couldnt lift a hand
I turned into stone lord I couldnt even lift a hand
It tore me up inside to see my baby with another man
I followed her down the road a couple miles into town
I followed her down the road a couple miles into town
With a torch and gasoline I burned his house down to the ground
I see the smokey ole moon out across the corn field
They'll come lookin for me when they find out who I killed
I didnt want to do it lord but I couldnt let her go
Please let that smokey ole moonlight help me find my way home
Wow...I really like this. I have no idea how to critique a blues song since I've never really dealt with blues before. What I've found in my assignment though is that the form really doesn't matter b/c there's a zillion different ways you can sing something with blues music..which makes it fun. This is really descriptive and creative and I love it.
I can definitely hear this in John Lee Hooker's voice. This is well done, Rbert.
-- Scratch
Good piece! I like it alot. Really like how you played with the title in the song; (Oh, he burnt the house down, that's why there's a smokey ole moon)! Very good. Just wish the poor guy didn't feel so bad that he had to go and kill 'em, but then it wouldn't be the blues would it?! ;) Keep writing.
"The only way I know that guarantees no mistakes is not to play and that's simply not an option". David Hodge
Hey Everyone,
Thanks for the input. This SSG is pretty cool. I think Ill keep doin it.
I think Ill keep doin it.
Glad to hear it - if this one is anything to go by your other submissions will be well worth reading.
Keep 'em coming this one's great.
Bob  :)
PS if no-one's said it yet welcome to the SSG - glad you stopped by.
You are what you eat, eat well
Hi Rbert,
Liked your lyric, I have a suggestion for your last line in the first verse. I know you don't need to change it, it works fine the way it is.
I see the smokey ole moon out across the corn field
They'll come lookin for me when they find out who I killed
I didnt want to do it lord but I couldnt let her go
Please let that smokey ole moonlight help me find my soul.
keep or sweep
inkpen :)
