SSG 49. I think I might call this one 'Slave to beauty'

I really like this one. Sure you say I wish a lot instead of describing, it is still very good. Doing it the other way is seemingly very difficult, many copped out of that particular detail and I haven't been able to come up with anything so...

Now for the critique part. I thought that the chorus was a verse and started scrolling down to reply and found the song continued. Could it be because I am tired and just woke up or is there something about the form that could be adjusted?

Thanks N.

Yeah it could us some work. Truth be told, I do a lot of my writing at work so I dont sit to long to ponder a change. I just write and write and post the thing. lol That's where you come in. The instant (or almost instant) feedback is good. Usually when I read over it once it looks ok so I post. Then you mention that the chorus looks a little weird so I take a second look and bingo you are right. I will have to re work that.

Thanks for the feedback man.

TheJackal.

Reads OK to me, but like you say you did it in a bit of a hurry......one thing that did catch my eye is inconsistency here.......

"When you say honey this and honey that
Your beauty is a sight to behold
It means money this and money that
My bank accounts what you want to hold"

(you've spent the verse describing how you can see through her)

and here......

"And I wish I wish I wished that I could see through your disguise"

which gives the opposite impression......maybe it'd work better if you changed that last line to

"And I wish I wish I wished I'd never seen through your disguise"

It's only a small change, but important in the context of the song....hope you can see what I mean....

Apart from that, seems fine to me - yes there's a lot of "I wish" in the lyrics, but things like that tend to get hidden in the music......and come across as more dramatic than repetitive......

Be interested to see any revisions........

:) :) :)

Vic.

Thanks for the suggestions Vic.

Here is a revised version.

Slave to Beauty
I wish I wish I wish I didn't have this god damned stutter
And I wish I wish I wish you didn't set my heart a flutter
With your smile your hair the feel of you
I just don't know what I should do
3 wishes couldn't help me to fall out of love with you

I love it when you call me honey
But I'm always parting with my money
Your beauty is a sight to behold but
Is your occupation mining gold
I wish I wish I wish I knew the answer

If I wish I wish I wished I didn't spoil your big surprise
And I wish I wish I wished that you weren't telling me those lies
Do you think that that would change my luck
My pockets filled Id save a buck
3 wishes couldn't help me to resist those eyes so blue

I love it when you call me honey
But I'm always parting with my money
Your beauty is a sight to behold but
Is your occupation mining gold
I wish I wish I wish I knew the answer

So I wish I wish I wish I'd never seen your god damned face
And I wish I wish I wish you didn't know my god damned tastes
Because you know all of my buttons
And you know that Im a glutton
For the punishment you dish out baby please don't ever leave

I love it when you call me honey
But I'm always parting with my money
The truth is out it's in your eyes
Im begging you please no more lies
I wish I wish I wish I never saw through your disguise

TheJackal.

Yeah, reads smoother now Jackal - some great lines in there too!!!

Because you know all of my buttons
And you know that Im a glutton
For the punishment you dish out baby please don't ever leave

Particularly liked that, good title too....!!

Of your two songs this week, though, I definitely prefer the other...It's more subtle and a little more polished....this however has more raw energy...I like the way you've actually come up with two totally different ideas on the same topic......

(Aside - "Now if we could just get the bugger to come up with some titles...!")

:) :) :)

Vic.

Thanks Vic. haha

Im not saying my song writing is my strong point but my coming up with a title is definitely a weak point. Now this is going to sound a little weird -- I have not been doing this long but I feel like each piece I come up with is like a kid. You dont see people running out of the hospital saying "I just had a boy and I haven't thought about a name so I am going with Stafford." right??? lol I think the name is really important so in the end I can never decide. lol

Thanks again for the feedback Vic.

TheJackal. aka Matt.

Im not saying my song writing is my strong point but my coming up with a title is definitely a weak point. Now this is going to sound a little weird -- I have not been doing this long but I feel like each piece I come up with is like a kid. You dont see people running out of the hospital saying "I just had a boy and I haven't thought about a name so I am going with Stafford." right??? lol I think the name is really important so in the end I can never decide. lol
.

Slave to Beuty seems like a good name to me.

Hi Jackal

Revised version shows a good piece of reworking and is a good exaple of how to develop a song from an initial quick thought. Interesting to see the process at work.

Good song and good story line not strictly to the assignment but nonetheless works well enough.

Bob :)