This came out fast and I'm not sure what I think of it. I know there's a lot that I need to change. Can someone help with some type of rhythm or something b/c it doesn't seem to be working. Thanks for reading!
V1
You say I'm beautiful
That makes me smile
But from what I hear
Still sounds like a lie
CHORUS
No matter what the world sees
Don't care what the world thinks
When I look at my reflection
I see 5,000 flaws
My mood can change like the weather
You never know who I'll be today
It's never been a change for the better
That's just one of my 5,000 flaws
V2
Label me what you will
Call me the artistic type
I just think I'm screwed up
I've never believed all that hype
CHORUS
V3
Look at you, so jealous of me
You think I have it altogether
I don't think I'll ever be free
Of these 5,000 flaws
CHORUS
...my 5,000 flaws
...my 5,000 flaws...
Hi there S!
For a "quickie" there's some good stuff here. I think you're right in that some of the meter can be smoothed out. In the first verse:
You say I'm beautiful
That makes me smile
But from what I hear
Still sounds like a lie
The first two lines, by the way, are perfect! Great lead-in to the song. But the third line seems a little awkward. You might try something like this:
You say I'm beautiful
That makes me smile
But everything I hear  (or "every word")
Still sounds like a lie
Keep at it though!
Peace
It's so funny that you mentioned that line. I messed with the words in that line about 50 times after it came out and for some reason, nothing sounded right.
I like what you came up with though. I'm deifnitely going to change it to that.
Thanks for reading and for the encouragement!
that line bothered me too, but I'm happy with just changing it to:
"but what I hear
still sounds like a lie"
It's the "from" that makes that not work. "From what I hear" refers to third party talk. She's not talking about third party talk; it's her own response.
I know it changes the rhythm some, but does it destroy it altogether?
This is a brand new beginner talking, and I'm not experienced enough to really even know if this is valuable feedback. My apologies if it's not.
No need for apologies, Llyr's Tiger, you're doing fine with the critiques!
Believe it or not, and you can ask "Mr Moderator" Nick about this, but I believe that you can improve your own songwriting skills immensely by taking part in critiques.
Keep at it, please. And "hello and welcome!" by the way. Looking forward to reading more from you.
Peace
Yup. I seem to have that problem with these lines too ::), only I think "but what I hear still sounds all wrong" makes it even better! Lol. Otherwise it's a good song, not bad at all.
By the way welcome to the forum and all that and of course David's right, on a critique you can't be wrong. Sort of.
good work,
Laura
No..it's perfect. I don't think the rhythm can be screwed up at this point b/c I haven't really tried to sing it so I'm not sure exactly what it is. Thanks for your input, guys, and I'll play with that verse!
I think I do like what you suggested, Laura...once I figure out my rythm and stuff I'm sure that line will come easier for me.
Thanks again!
