SSG Week 30 - The Rise

Im sitting here watching other post be commented on and thinking to myself "is my post really bad" . To be honest, I dont know but I feel like its being ignored. Please if it stinks, just tell me I wont be mad. Now I dont mean to downgrade myself but Im kinda confused here. :?

Dude, relax. You gotta give it time - It's only been 7 hours since you posted, and I just got back to the hotel...some people only check the board once a day. I know it's hard when you put your creativity out there...you want someone to comment right away...but you've got to give people time to read it, and in some cases, time to think about it.

Also, if you want more people to comment on your writing, go comment on other people's writing in this forum. Trust me, it works.

Now, on to your lyrics:

You've got a great bunch of lines, and a pretty decent piece of poetry with a lot of introspection.

My favorite lines are "gotta learn the ropes, pull them tight" That's a nice take on the old "learn the ropes" saying.

That said, there's three things that need work:

1. What's the chorus? What are the verses? We have 6 lines, 5 lines, 4 lines, 7 lines, and 8 lines. I haven't counted syllables, but I don't know how you're going to set this to a memorable tune unless you're rapping it, and if you're going to rap it, it needs a lot better rhymes. I'm not saying you have to follow a set formula, but at least set your verses up with the same number of lines. It will make it much easier to write the music around them.

2. As Nick would say, you're telling me a lot of things, but now showing me.

A couple of examples:

I can't think straight
delusions fill my brain

Don't tell me that you're deluded...show me. What sort of delusions? What far out thing is it that you are seeing, believing, that makes you delusional? Show me what it is you see...

my senses are so dull

You just told me that with the not hearing clear, can't see the light stuff. Why not bring numbness into it as well? You just showed me your dull senses...don't tell me about it to follow up.

I can see the light
the end of the tunnel is near

3. A light at the end of the tunnel...I think that falls into the cliche realm. twist it around or change it, make it your own, but don't rely on cliche. See Nick's article for more details. I'd jump on the rope imagery, as I think that your song kind of documents a tightrope walk out of insanity and into reality, and I so like those lines about learning the ropes and pulling them tight. Other things you could try to work in like "take up the slack", lassos, tied hands, and if you really want to get depressing, nooses...

I think that you should look at it and pick the lines that most speak to what you are trying to say, then decide on a structure for your verses and chorus, then rewrite it. I think it is a fine collection of lines, but it could use some more imagery, a little evening up, and less cliche.

I hope to see more writing from you in the future!

Doug

Sorry for sounding mad, I never ment to. But i posted it and got no reply for hours when i say post that were posted after mine and got answered in ten minutes. It's probably because i'm new to songwriting and not used to the songwriting forum. I havnt really commented anyone else because I dont know much, im still learning. I dont want to say something and be totally wrong and sound like an idiot. Thanks for the help, I will revise it!

Hi bstguitarist

Let start off by saying in My Opinion the key words being MY OPINION
I like the song idea and lyrics, but can't get a feel for the flow of it.
Verses ?? Chorus?? Bridge?? Syllable breakdown??
If I may I'd like to suggest a few changes

Change order of lines

1st verse
Audiovisual madness, what does it really mean?
Are the symptoms coming to me?
I can't think straight dilusions fill my brain
Continuous confusion counts down as
as time slips away

Not hearing clear, obstructed sight
All the noises in my ears
Can't see the light all my senses dull
( NEED TO ADD LINE HERE )

these are thing that I see that I would change
nothing hit me right away for the othe lines
except for the tunnel How about

I see the light, I'm feeling good
the tunnels end is near

Only My OPINION
If I think of anything else I'll let you know

thanks for the revision, ill take that into account because im almost done revising its and I thinks its coming out a lot better than it was. Ill probably post it tomorrow.

I only post when I am not playing guitar....
and I have something constructive to say....
and when I see something exceptional.

Or in this case, when I just feel like rambling.

Good job on a hard topic. Needs a bit of tightening up
as far as meter and rhyme. Looking forward to
future progress.

see ya.

Just check out my new post "The rise (Revised)" and critique it if you can, i really would like to get it to be really good.