Verse 1
Another day, another dollar
Another want to scream and holler
Another emptiness, that feeling
Deep inside
Another night, another dream
Another fight behind the scenes
Another loneliness, that pressure
Behind the eyes
Bridge
Sliding down into an almost empty sleep
Where very thoughts, they seem to weep
At the despair that was brought upon this day
Sliding down
Into a night's dark grasp
Where a mind and thought can rest at last
And hope to wake up to a better day
Chorus
A new dawn brings a new beginning
A new song we've started singing
A new day for us to heal
A little inside
A new path lays for us to tread
A new road that's opened up ahead
A new day can be the best yet
If you try
Verse 2
Another day, another dollar
Another 9 to 5 blue-collar
Another effort to be noticed
Wasted time
Another night, another dream
Another sanity's requiem
Another promise that was made
Now is blind
Repeat Bridge x 1
Repeat Chorus x 2
Thoughts, comments, questions and criticisms welcomed as always.
Pete
Hi Pete
While this song definitely follows Bob's guidelines, it seems to have a distinct spilt personality. It kind of flits between the informal "everyman" voice (the lines of the verses for instance) and more of a general poetic tone, as in the bridge ("...at the despair that was brought upon this day...") and chorus ("...a new path lays for us to tread..."). This isn't always a worry, but here it seems to make things a little disjointed and awkward. At least on reading the lyric. When something is sung you can sometimes get around that, but I'm not sure how you're going to be able to pull it off.
It might be good to decide what voice your narrator is going to have and then try to write it out in one voice. And although it might be a bit of work, then try writing it from another voice (or even a third if you're game) and see which one you like best. Once you've got the thing down in totally separate voices, you might be able to patch together a multi-voiced narrative that flows a little better.
I really like the balance here. You're primarily focusing on the bleak in the verses and bridge and the little bit of sunshine that's evoked in the chorus banishes it all away and I think that's the heart of what Bob wanted.
Looking forward to reading more.
Peace
Thanks for the feedback Mr.Hodge! :)
After some re-reading (and singing - badly!) I have to agree that it needs a slight change in terms of its narrative POV, so I made a few alterations to keep it all in the "everyman" voice.
Hopefully it'll flow a little better!
Pete
Hey mate
OOOPs David don't like Mr Hodge
( you will make him look over his shoulder to see if his dad is standing there :lol: :lol: )
I agree with Bushpig ( Peters) suggestions
Nice imagery though
hilch :?:
Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am
Hi 10141748 (i am a name not a number :wink: )
Nice piece I see you've taken other people's advice and it works realy well. I like the second verse especially - very enjoyable read.
Good stuff
Bob :wink:
You are what you eat, eat well
