Here's this week's song, one I had roughly written out earlier, but I took this opportunity to finish it up a little. It came out as more of a protest and social commentary-type thing, at least, that's what I had originally indended it to be. The format is a little strange, as the verses and choruses have the same general structure, but the chords are supposed to be different.
Anyway, here ya go:
A Better Day
Vs. I
Stopped to look up in the sky
And I saw the clouds roll by
Wondrin' if you really care
Wondrin' if there's love out there
Ch. I
Tell me why the sun won't shine
Once I've left my dreams behind
Scattered all ways in the wind
Like the promise I rescind
Vs. II
Now I sit and watch the fire
See the smoke and flame grow higher
I call out and no one hears
Left alone with silent tears
Ch. II
Look behind and see the crowd
Voicing protests long and loud
Needing power to start the change
Don't they know it's all short-range?
Vs. III
This sad world has sent me reeling
People lost and without feeling
Walk awhile among their kind
Those whom love has left behind
Ch. III
Words are always running out
I can't hear you if you shout
When you start I turn away
Looking for a better day-
A better day
Hey, Uke.
You have a very nice flow going here. My one suggestion is to tie in more imagery. You already have a good start (clouds rolling by, flames going higher) but even more would pack an even larger punch.
For instance, Scattered all ways in the wind could be Scattered feathers in the wind or something of the sort.
I'm sure you can find other places...
A few other minor suggestions:
The lineLike the promise I rescind sounds a bit awkward...I'm not sure the best way to change it, though.
I especially like the last chorus:
Words are always running out
I can't hear you if you shout
When you start I turn away
Looking for a better day-
A better day
Overall, strong piece. I like it.
- SP
Hi Uke,
Like SP, the line with "rescind" in it took me aback at first, but the more I read it, the more I like it. It's kind of an axiom around here I think to try to stick to words that are in common usage, but I don't worry about it much. I like seeing uncommon words from time to time. Now, if the entire song were built of such words, so I needed a thesaurus to read it, that might be a hassle. Or if it was obviously forced, but neither of those are the case here. But to each their own. Anyway "rescind" beats the tar out of "oughter"! ;)
I like the song. I think you put it together really well. I really like the strong rhyming. Well done.
-- Scratch
Hi Uke
In some ways, this reminds me of Violence, Homeboy's piece for this week. It's got some good imagery here and there but the narrator is so detached from things it's hard for me to not be detached as well. Maybe this is your intent, but I'm not sure.
I also think the third chorus is terrific and I can't help but wonder how this might have turned out if you'd used that as the starting point, and not the conclusion.
Looking forward to more!
Peace
I like seeing uncommon words from time to time. Â
Totally agree
David's point about detachment from the song didn't hit me until I'd read the whole post but made sense.
Otherwise good rhyme and structure and good flow to the piece.
Good stuff
Bob :)
You are what you eat, eat well
