Week 22

Hey Rue,

I really like what you're doing with this song.  Being a CO during WWII took a lot of courage, and I think it's good for people to understand that during that time, people gave up years of their lives whether abroad in the military service, or at home in the civil service.  So I think the premise for your song is terrific.  I'm not sure how it's going to work, though.  Verse 1 and the chorus are told from your granpas points of view, verses 2 & 3 are from your point of view.  I think it would be great if you had the verses sung in different voices, but then you'd have to have all three of them from granpas points of view.  Then you could sing the chorus from your pov.  But for that to work, you'd have to make the chorus another verse, and come up with a different chorus, that kind of expresses the sentiments you express in vs. 2.  
Does that make any sense?

-- Scratch

how about this now i'ts all in my point of view, least i think it is. . . :

You shot your foes
no matter the distance
You loved your foes
no matter the distance

Oh great mighty flag
I praise you so
Oh great mighty flag
my allegiance goes not to you
but to the Holy One

I stand for what you represent
my grandpa's mental wounds
i am silent for what you represent
my grandpa's mental wounds

Oh great mighty flag
I praise you so
oh great mighty flag
my allegiance goes not to you
but to the Holy One

One grandpa held a gun
fought across Europe
One grandpa held an axe
and fought on native soil

Hi Rue

This is incredibly ambitious and wonderful as far as a concept and I hope that you keep working on it. I agree with Scratch as to the difficultly in POV, which is (in my opinion anyway) always more difficult in songwriting since the listener often gets one shot at listening.

If I may offer a suggestion, it would be to start with the last stanza and then go into things:

One grandpa held a gun  
fought across Europe  
One grandpa held an axe  
and fought on native soil

You shot your foes  
no matter the distance  
You loved your foes  
no matter the distance  

This, I think, will set up the listener fairly well to the idea that the POV alternates every two lines. This is a song that you're going to have to help your audience with, and you may have to walk them through parts of it, but I think it's going to be great.

Peace

oh, thanks i like that  *goes to word*

somethin like this?

Flag

One grandpa held a gun
and fought across Europe
One grandpa held an axe
and fought on native soil

Oh great mighty flag
I praise you so
Oh great mighty flag
My allegiance goes not to you
But to the Holy One

You shot your foes
no matter the distance
You loved your foes
no matter the distance

Oh great mighty flag
I praise you so
Oh great mighty flag
my allegiance goes not to you
but to the Holy One

I stand for what you represent
my grandpa's mental wounds
I am silent for what you represent
my grandpa's mental wounds

Oh great mighty flag
I praise you so
oh great mighty flag
my allegiance goes not to you
but to the Holy One

Yes!  That's terrific rue.  Very well done.  the 3rd version of the song is wonderful.  I really like it.  The rearrangement of the verses and choruses really establish the flow of the story.

-- Scratch

um.... what does "goes to word" mean?

I think its a typo of *goes to work*

Or perhaps goes to "word" the word processing program in order to whip up the latest version...

Maybe I'm just getting old but I think that anything inside asteriks is meant as a "stage direction" sort of thing. *sighs*   ;)

Peace

good job dhodge! you win the prize today!

when something is in asterisks, it is an action, and word is that wonderful word processing system we all love :D

dang... I'm so un-hip.  I thought that in ascii, anything between asterisks was used in lieu of bold or italic type.  And I usually use notepad for these assignments.  When I do have to do actual word processing, I use OpenOffice.  OK.  Action -- stage directions.... -- I got it now.  thanks.

*sits absently at keyboard trying to think of something clever to put between asterisks*

or not.

-- Scratch

Hey Scratch

Anyone who knows the answer, the answer to Life, the Universe, Everything, and also is then kind enough to put it in his signature could never be anything less than totally hip!   ;)

Peace

Hi Ruepickle

3rd version is great - this is a really good song, very ambitious in scope but I think you do a great job of getting there in the end.

Excellent stuff

and interesting discussion on the use of asterisks to boot - explains a lot.

Bob  ;)

I'm a lion but that's a penguin!

it's TUX!!! the Linux Penguin!!!