SSG-Week3-Nick

Wow!

Holy SMOKE!

I can't critique this one. I don't think I'm qualified. This is awesome. It's also very indicative of your style. Early stages or not, i think you may be finished with this one.

And... though I'm not in Northern Virginia, I'm in North Carolina. does that count?  :::giggle:::

Good work Nick.
I'm thoroughly impressed! (As always)

Jesus, Nick!
    You know, I am from South Carolina, and I've thought about this "twisted lottery" as you put it.  I couldn't imagine what it would be like for someone in the area.  After reading your song, I get it.  It gave me the willies.  This must be so hard for those close to the attacks, but remember that the world is keeping you all in our prayers, and this bastard will be captured soon enough.

Whoooo.  We'll, I figured I'd give a crack at critique, so here we go:

At first it seemed long, but after a re-read I realized it's probably sung faster than I originally assumed, so the length is fine.

don't open that door
don't go to work today
through the crunch of leaves,  
and the smell of decay

The last line is mysterious to the first time listener, but once you know what this song is about, it's a very gripping sensory metephor.

senses heightened
somewhere a roaring fire
christens a chimney
like a funeral pyre

dread rises
as the gas gauge sinks
I'm not stopping  
and the idiot light blinks

The idiot light!!?!?!  I love this line!  Again, durring the first read this line made me laugh and think "Why doesn't he stop for gas?  must be a natural paranoid type of guy"

Chorus:
did I drift across the line of fire?
did I happen to pick the wrong time?
did I wander into the wrong place?
Will I ever see my daughter's face?
my son? my wife?
If I win this twisted lottery,
send them my love.

hairs standing  
I've got to mail some bills
send 'em at the office
mortgage, credit cards, updated wills

I like this stanza, and I can't hear the way you sing it, but the last line might have too many syllables

heart pounding
you pull your jacket to fight
the bite of the air  
ducking the glare of streetlights

deadly premonition
Do I  need some home supplies?
won't fix anything
If I choose wrong and die

I think the line "won't fix anything" seems out of place in the midst of a VERY striking stanza.

Chorus:
did I drift across the line of fire?
did I happen to pick the wrong time?
did I wander into the wrong place?
Will I ever see my daughter's face?
my son? my wife?
If I win this twisted lottery,
send them my love.

look over your shoulder
Paranoia loses, but keeps trying  
but it isn't, is it?
when the bullets are flying.

This is a great idea, and I like the "but it isn't, is it?" line.  However, verb placement and tense in the second line feel a bit disrupted by the third one.  I think you are right on target with the idea of paranoia, but you may want to re-visit your wording here.

Suspense kills
should I walk in front or back
taking kids to school
anticipate the rifle's crack

good one

Bridge:
There's no monster under the bed
there's no monster in the closet
but the evil's not just in your head
this beast is real.
Just passed Oklahoma
on his way here from Tacoma.  

Th last two lines of the above bridge may be alluding to something about the case that I'm not aware of, so I'm not going to tell you to take them out.  But if you're not in love with them, you may want to describe the "beast" in these lines instead...

The Devil you know
Should I get food, should my wife
if she is chosen
Could I stand living my life?

"chosen" is a freaky thought.  chilling.

Is that a shadow?
Will I know the bullet's mine today?
will it be over quickly
would I want it any other way?

Outro:
Will they be here when I get home?
Will I get home tonight?
Can anybody tell me
Is it ever gonna be all right?

good. good. good. song.  Not much improvement needed, if at all.  Nice work, Nick

Hi Nick

"Really nice job" seems a bit of an understatement. Anyway, for what it's worth;

As Stephan said, this bit:

deadly premonition  
Do I need some home supplies?  
Who will fix it,
If I choose wrong and die?

could use a little tweaking. How about:

deadly premonition  
Do I need some home supplies?  
Will anything get fixed  
If I choose wrong and die?

In the bridge, you could get a little more descriptive by clearing some space by getting rid of a few words and changing some others:

No scary monster hiding under the bed  
No gory creature lurking in the closet  
but the evil's not just in your head  
this beast is real.  
The unseen, unknown loner
just blew in from Tacoma.

Finally, in the outro, you might want to (heaven help me) personalize it a little more:

Will they be sitting with me at dinner  
When I if I get home tonight?  
Can I tell my little children  
Yes it's gonna be all right?  

I feel a little bit, shall we say, weird even making suggestions...

Peace

Thanks Alan and Sonata,  I wasn't at all sure about this one.

Thank you Stephen for the comments.  It's hard to fix something still unsorted in your head.

I didn't like the Oklahoma line anyway.  I think that got stuck in my head with the shooting rampage in OK last week.

So I changed that, let me know what you think.  I might just leave that couplet off.

The wills line I condensed by 3 syllables.

"Won't fix anything" I changed to "Who will fix it?"  Which I think fits better and is a question, which I seem to have a lot of.

The "Paranoia" stanza I need to think about.

Nick

Thanks David,

You must have been writing while I was.  It takes a certain degree of courage to suggest modification to something...personal.  So thanks to one and all.

I did modify the chorus, I liked your idea.  I think I can still come up with some better modifiers of monster and creature.  Where did I put my Tales of the Crypt comics?

I also took your suggestion to modify the outro to make it more personal.  I did want to leave the question of the first line about whether they would make it home.

Nick

Nick, I've been called many things but "courageous" is nowhere on the list!

How about using the "door" phrase that you started out the song with in the outro:

Will they (or we) walk back through that door?
For a brief family's respite?  
Can I tell my little children  
Yes it's gonna be all right?    

Peace

I know its late but for what its worth:

I know I'm not going to be able to fault you on meter or imagery so all I will say about this song is that when I first read it I thought I could relate to what was going on, heading out to work every day not knowing if you were going to see your family again because of life's twisted lottery.
But when I reached the part about paranoia and the rifle's crack I realised that it was about that sniper you guys were dealing with over there and I would never (hopefully) be able to relate to something like that.
It gave me chills but maybe I was a little dissappointed as well.
I can appreciate that you were trying to write a topical song and you succeeded, but all I will say is that it doesn't have to be a sniper that wins you the twisted lottery.  It could be a drunk driver, a stray baseball, a fork of lightning, an old tree branch or even a blood clot.  I might be dead before I even get to send this.
People win that twisted lottery every day.
Would  this angle also be worth considering as a verse??
Maybe not it's probably a whole different song.

That Jaydee, is one heck of an idea.

The whole song can be about the sniper, and tied up all nice an neat in a bow about will you wait for your own personal twisted lottery before you realize the value of what you have.

Thanks

It just really struck me as weird that last year at this time I was writing about the unknown sniper and yesterday the first one was found guilty.

Excellent Nick.  Took me a bit to get the meaning.
I am with Jaydee in that I thought it was heading
for a generic "life is a crapshoot" theme.   As for tweaks
I think Stephen did an excellent job, and Alans suggestion was right on.  I have nothing to add.