this is my first attempt at writing a song so go easy on me! :lol: i know it sucks but we all have to start somewhere right! :lol:
'why cant she be mine?'
i see you standing there
holding her in your arms
and she feels so good.
you go out for the night
take her to a restaurant
and she looks so fine.
i wanna see the world through your eyes
i wanna do everything you do
i wanna go out with her some time
i wanna know why cant she be mine?
you're sat holding her hand
hearts and fingers entwined
and she feels so warm
i see you kissing her
rubbing it in my face
and she tastes so nice
i wanna see the world through your eyes
i wanna do everything you do
i wanna go out with her some time
i wanna know why cant she be mine?
i see you walk her home
under the starry sky
and she feels so cold
you say goodnight to her
then she blows you a kiss
and she looks so content
i wanna see the world through your eyes
i wanna do everything you do
i wanna go out with her some time
i wanna know why cant she be mine?
'i want that one...'
hey! this isnt bad atall! there are a couple of things i would change but they are minor...
i see you kissing her
rubbing it in my face
and she tastes so nice
the use of the word nice in the last line doesnt quite capture the feeling for me..maybe if you used...'and she tastes so sweet' it would work better. and the same goes for the word at the end of this verse..
you say goodnight to her
then she blows you a kiss
and she looks so content
i dont have another suggestion but i'll think about it! other than that i think its fine!
have to agree, i didnt like that first verse either, it didnt quite sound right did it! :lol:
thanx for the advice, will change accordingly. :D
'i want that one...'
Onion dav,
Very Good !
I have agree with Guitargeek on the end of those two verses.
Would the narrator go through all this anguish for a girl who was "nice" and "content"
These are not words that send strong emotion to the reader/listener.
Sweet may work on the one and maybe pretty on the other. If it were me I would try to find some emotionally stronger words.
You may have veered off the assignment slightly. Although the narrator is observing a couple the song seems to be more about the woman as an object of desire. All and all a good piece. Looking foward to seeing more.
Celt
Hey!
I didn't have any problem with 'content', although I'd agree about nice in this verse:i see you kissing her
rubbing it in my face
and she tastes so nicecould do with a tweak.
I'd also comment that this middle line of that one didn't sit right for me somehow. All the other lines in the verses are about the couple and then the chorus is about what you want. I would stick with that structure (it works well!).
But generally, yeah - it's good. Especially for a first attempt!
Looking forward to more.
G
Listen Louder Than You Play
