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SSG Year 11 Week 13 - Empty I am

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Kopfschmerzen
(@kopfschmerzen)
Trusted Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 62
Topic starter  

Hi there.

I know it's two weeks late, but... Actually, I've never written a single song, and I'm not a native English speaker, so the task was hard to accomplish. Finally I came with just two verses, and no chords :( Anyway, any comments appreciated!

Empty I am

I'm suspended, I'm empty, have nothing inside
No feelings, no anger, no fear
I have nothing to loose, I'm ready to fight
"Give up!" doesn't fit to my ear

You're keeping my treasure away for so long
You don't realize consequences
You've done everything to make me so strong
To burn what remained of my senses


   
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jamestoffee
(@jamestoffee)
Famed Member
Joined: 14 years ago
Posts: 2855
 

There's a strong anger coming across as if the singer has been wronged in someway by the singee.

Consider being more specific in what the "treasures" are and how the singee made the singer strong and burned his/her senses.

Try saying in one summary sentence what the song is about and then make sure that every line in the song supports that summary sentence.

An alternative title could be "Empty Me" or "I Am Empty".......though I know the assignment was "Empty ____"

Thanks for posting and welcome to SSG :D

-James


   
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John Sargent
(@john-sargent)
Noble Member
Joined: 13 years ago
Posts: 946
 

It's wonderful that you have joined us. I can't imagine trying to create rhymes in a non-native language. Hope to see more.


   
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pbee
 pbee
(@pbee)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago
Posts: 2096
 

Hi Kopfschmerzen,

welcome to SSG, yes I can imagine that writing a song in another language would be challenging, but I think you've made a great start here.
For me what would come next would be a chorus or bridge that explained some of the things we don't know, like the Treasures ( money ? Love ?).
Stick with it I think there's good potential here.

cheers

Paul


Check out my Reverbnation page here


   
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