Well, like Kathy, I started writing this last week.
It's my current lyric project.
It's doesn't center around celestial bodies, though it does mention a star....
As well as the title, meaning - A flicker of light; like the stars.
I'm struggling with just about all of it.
I'll get to that after the lyrics though:
FLICKER
You came towards me from the darkness
Your burning eyes
Your burning lips
I dreamed You; I wished for Your existence
I even imagined You'd be French
You gave me color, You are my Brilliance
My Love for You shines (bright) at last.
Je t'aime - Baby I Love You
Well, does it really say that much
Je t'aime - Baby I Love You
Well it means so much more to US
You know it means so much more to US
I want to run out and kiss Your Beauty
Kiss it and say: Carry me away this time
Not just my reflection
Leave no part of ME behind
If I'm a star, You are my Brilliance
Because we share Love, they see (US) shine
**************************************************
Okay.
So - The inspiration for the song owes a HEAVY debt to Anais Nin.
One of the books that I'm bouncing around to lately is a compilation of exerpts from Nin's Journals,
dealing exclusively with Henry Miller and his wife June.
Anais wrote a marvelous 2 page account of her first meeting with June.
That was where much of the material came from for what I have here.
(I unashamedly borrowed whole lines directly from the book! :shock: )
Anyway - I'm pretty happy with what I have for the 2nd verse (I want to run out and kiss Your beauty).
The first verse seems okay, only... the rhymes seem to be on the wrong lines or something.
The 2 brilliance lines, I'm having trouble with.
I think they might be bridges - Something that I'm not accoustomed to using.
I've tried repeating them - leaving them like they are here.... They just seem to be lacking something.
And the last one (the star one), I really like the idea of.... Only it seems to be too centered on the 'I', where as I
want it to be more of a 'shared' equal greatness between the two lovers.
Did any of you feel that way about it????
The Chorus -
Well - the story behind the chorus is somewhat complicated.... Maybe too complex to get across in a short chorus.
What I want to say in essence is: In French Je t'aime = I Love You.
Literally translated I Love You = Je Amour Toi.
What struck me is that LOVE/AMOUR is not used in the French "I LOVE You"
So - Unlike English, where Love is Love, and is used in both....
Je t'aime then doesn't SAY I LOVE YOU, rather it MEANS I LOVE YOU.... With feeling.
It's not JUST the WORDS - It means so much more.
Does that make sense????
And you can see how miserably I failed at getting that across in the actual Chorus :roll:
So - Any Ideas are greatly welcome.
As I said, I generally don't use bridges OR EVEN chorus' in my songs.... so this is a bit of a stretch for me.
ThankX for looking, and thankx to any help :D
Ken
* EDIT
I left the 'at last' part - Though 'Bright' seems to fit in there as well.
I don't know if that is what you had in mind all along Vic.... I like it though.
Thankx :D
Also changed the (I) to (US).
I wanted to make it so that it was apparent the importance that She has on his life....
Though it seemed to underscore Her and put her in the background.
The change to *US* seems a little less self-centered.
"The man who has begun to live more seriously within
begins to live more simply without"
-Ernest Hemingway
"A genuine individual is an outright nuisance in a factory"
-Orson Welles
Ken,
Let me think on this one and see what we can noodle out...
All the best,
Chris
Strange, but the first thing I thought of was Coleridge's "Kublai Khan" - "His flashing eyes, his floating hair!".....Straycat last week, you this week - perhaps David ought to give bonus points next week for anyone managing to quote from "Frost at Midnight!"
I'm not sure where to start, Ken - I've never read Anais Nin, and know very little about Henry Miller....so no obvious frame of reference!
First verse seems fine - in these lines,
"You gave me color, You are my Brilliance
My Love for You shines at last."
"At last" doesn't seem to sit well.....maybe something like "bright" (brightly would be more grammatical, but bright is more poetic....)
"Baby I Love You" seems to jar a little (with me anyway....) - "Baby" seems too frivolous for such a romantic lyric.
Apart from that - and they're only minor blemishes - the rest reads well to me. The last section,
"If I'm a star, You are my Brilliance
Because we share Love, they see me shine" is, to me, much easier on the eye than the first two-line section - more descriptive than the previous statement. And a thought I've just had - maybe "radiance" might work better than "brilliance?
Work in progress? Doesn't need much work to make this a really good song, IMO. Nice work!
BTW, I always thought "Je t'adore" was far more romantic than "je t'aime" - until I tried that line on a girl one night, and she said, "Shut WHAT door?" True!
:D :D :D
Vic
"Sometimes the beauty of music can help us all find strength to deal with all the curves life can throw us." (D. Hodge.)
Hi :D
Well, thankx Chris and Vic for the support :mrgreen:
Vic - Funny that you should mention Kubla Khan ~ I was just talking of Citizen Kane with Scrybe....
They quote part of the begining of Kubla Khan at the start of that movie! Syncronicity, or again: In the stars? :P
The 'last' - It really doesn't sit well with me either. Those two-liners were originally part of the verses... and, well
you can kinda see how they almost rhyme with their respective verses.
The idea behind it is that the guy who dreamed of this girl has waited a long time to just 'meet' her....and has to wait even longer to actually have a physical involvement with her - at least he's free to love her now though, if only from afar.
Before she came into his life, he was in a sorta dismal place and she brought him warmth and color and light and happiness.
Although 'bright' fits part of that - it doesn't hint at the 'time' he spent without her and their love.
LOL - I know exactly what you mean about the 'Baby I Love You' part....
It is actually an auto-bio about me and someone very much real.... and believe me when I say: It HAS to be Baby :wink:
I do like 'radiance'.... It doesn't quite 'sing' as well with it though (sorry for not allowing you all to hear it yet!).
I am still trying to work with it though.
ThankX 8)
Thankx again for the help and encouragement (%
Ken
"The man who has begun to live more seriously within
begins to live more simply without"
-Ernest Hemingway
"A genuine individual is an outright nuisance in a factory"
-Orson Welles
i like the part about her being French. I think you should break out an entire bridge in French. Like the Beatles song Sun King You can just start singing in another language. It may not even matter what you say and long as it rhymes and it sounds good!
Thankx Pearl :D
That's funny!
Actually I have another song in mind tentatively called - If You Smile at Me
(Taken from the first lines of Wooden Ships - If You Smile at Me, I Will Understand)
In which the girl speaks French to the guy who doesn't understand French - He does however understand body language.
And so they get along famously!
Also funny that you should mention 'The Sun King' - Sorry, that's an inside joke at the moment :twisted:
(More Syncronicity :D )
Ken
"The man who has begun to live more seriously within
begins to live more simply without"
-Ernest Hemingway
"A genuine individual is an outright nuisance in a factory"
-Orson Welles
