Okay, here's my two...enjoy (maybe) :p
Cup of Death
Chorus by Raz0r
Sipping on a cup of wine,
While listening to the radio one night,
I felt something stop me whole,
Realized it was the cup I hold,
The cup of death will kill your mind
Filled up with thoughts asinine
The cup of death will quench your thirst
It's just your life to give up first
Fearsome, worrisome,
Downright gruesome,
That was what I felt inside,
Something tore me wide apart,
Something snapped in my mind
Chorus
The cup of death whispered lies,
Sweetly, slowly, led me aside,
It fulfilled the darkest of my dreams,
And made true fear a part of my life
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~```
Reality TV Hell
Chorus courtesy of Bob
It happened on a Wednesday night,
The sky was dark yet the moon was bright,
Outside raindrops ravaged the streets
And someone's footsteps quickly fell
Witnessed by a camera
With no story to tell
Revelations into headlines
Reality TV Hell
It was an act of foolishness,
One he regretted most,
But too late to go back now,
You're stuck in this dramatic hell
Chorus
The money flowed, and the publicity showed,
The shame became the fame,
With his name in every paper,
His face on every wall,
Soon it became clear,
That reality isn't that bad at all
-Laura
Hi Laura,
You have a really good foundation for the lyrics here. Â What you really need to do is to change to present tense. Â
Describe the scene like you are watching a movie. Â Show me the lyrical pictures, don't tell me what's happening. Â Imagine you are trying to describe a movie to a blind person. Â You want to get them the flavor of the movie, the color, the tension. Â Make sure you switch to the present
Blood red wine matches my lipstick,
radio plays so I'm not lonely,
A shadow, a ghost a chill just stopped me,
Wine glass chilled me, froze my soul
I have no idea really, but you can just describe things rather than tell me is my point.
It is a good lyrical outline, story, and has great flow.
good work,
Nick
