Hello Guitar Noise forum!
This is my first post, first submission, and first song ever. I apologize in advance if it is too awful to read or if I am doing something wrong.
My list of spooky words is as follows:
shadows
bats
willow tree
spiders
darkness
rusty chains
rusty gate
creaky step
morgue
bones
empty rooms
coffins/caskets
urn
swamp
Plus a few that I did not use.
My lyrics are based on very intense loneliness. If you have ever seen 28 days later, you will understand the scenario I had in mind. In this movie, a man wakes up and walks the streets of london, finding that he is completely alone. That is, until he finds out that the only remaining soles are zombies which wish for nothing more than to kill him. This song could also describe the feelings of lonliness without being so physically alone.
And here is my masterpiece:
chasing shadows through empty rooms
nobody else remains
i hide inside these empty ruins
i am tangled in these rusty chains
[chorus]
all alone, I can't escape me
why won't I just go away?
I sit like ashes in an urn
forever I am forced to pay
I make the morgue my home
seeking comfort among the bones
sleeping in my dark casket
i dream so my spirit may roam
[chorus]
all alone, I jus't cant shake me
i desperately seek elusion
thoughts grating like a creaky step
no escape from eternal aggravation
[bridge]
finaly away from me
i'd be so happy and free
someone finally hear my plea
please, please just let it be
the whole world outside my rusty gate
guarded by the gnarled willow tree
forever the world will wait
in my hole, I hide faithfully
[chorus]
All alone, I just can't lose me
why wont I just go away?
my sanity left long ago
but here i stay
Not bad at all! In fact, I think it's quite good. I especially like the imagery of being tangled in rusty chains.
Your theme of loneliness is a good one, and you work with it well. Also, I like the last line of the song - I can imagine it repeating and then fading out.
As for suggestions:
- In verse 2
I make the morgue my home
seeking comfort among the bones
sleeping in my dark casket
i dream so my spirit may roam
perhaps switch the order of the first two lines:
Seeking comfort among the bones
I make the morgue my home
Sleeping in my dark casket
i dream so my spirit may roam
This saves the effect, but gets the nice rhyme of home and roam.
Next, is the verse (chorus?) of
all alone, I jus't cant shake me
i desperately seek elusion
thoughts grating like a creaky step
no escape from eternal aggravation
True, I'm a big rhyme-lover, but I can't help feeling that the rhyme could be better in that verse. Some brainstorms I had involved reworking the lines to either rhyme elusion with confusion or exclusion, or aggravation with frustration or damnation. Just some ideas...
Awesome first song. Keep up the good work!
- silly putty
Thanks so much for the gentle input silly putty :)
That wasn't nearly as painful as I was expecting!
As for the first suggestion, you are right. I didn't notice that problem until after I had submitted. I never would have thought of anything as elegant as your suggestion of switching the lines though. Thanks alot.
I also had trouble with your second point and agree fully. I actually grappled with it for a while. I wanted to have a differing syllable leading the ending rhyming vowel sounds. I wasn't completely satisfied with "tion" and "sion." I like your suggestions though, they do seem to flow off my tongue much more smoothly. I suppose I should have viewed it from the consonant leading the "tion"-sounding end.
Thanks again, your suggestions are really helpful. :)
really good, very nice debut :)
only thing, in the chorus do u perhaps mean "why cant i just go away?" though i have a feeling i am missing the point...
excellent, keep it up :)
currently number 60 in total posts... and shooting for number 1!!
sozay,
To be honest with you, I just assumed that a person all alone would start to get really sick of themself. Since his thoughts are his only company, and he can never escape them, he starts to hate himself. It's just a weird assumption I made. I like your take on it though, it doesn't need any weird assumption :)
Great job.
The chorus part bugged me a bit....
alone, I jus't cant shake me
i desperately seek elusion (too much like desparely seeking susan)
thoughts grating like a creaky step
(maybe: thoughts grate like a creaky step)
no escape from eternal aggravation (too many syllables but not sure what I would replace with)
otherwise...I thought it moved pretty good.
