Hi all
Thought I'd come out of my box for a while and try out the Sunday Songwriters...
I've worked out music for my lyrics, but I thought I could let you tell me how it works for you and what could be better before I start recording.
A blanket of white
V1
They know who I am
I make their world paler
I make them cold
They know how I look
I make their world whiter
I make their world brighter
Chorus:
Ask someone who loves me
They'll say I make them glad
They'll say I'll make them smile
Ask someone who loves me
They'll say that I'm alright
They'll say they're glad to see me
On this frozen winter night
V2
They know I'm not alone
Me and my friends * (or me and many friends?)
we dance into the world
Millions of dancers
in choreography
We tumble between stars
Bridge x 2 :
Did I say I'm beautiful
Need I say I'm beautiful
Chorus
Out:
Millions of dancers
Leaving a blanket of white
As we dance into our death
On this winter night
I know it might seem that the meter might be way off, but I think it works when I play it. So without mentioning the meter, what do you think?
*Bonus-question: Would I make everyone mad if I send in a new version of a song I've already submitted to the MP3-section you have? I have one with low quality and just made a new one that sounds a lot better. It wouldn't be much of a problem to overwrite the old one, would it?
;)
Kristian
"I wish there was an over the counter test for my loneliness"
Thought I'd come out of my box for a while and try out the Sunday Songwriters...
Hi Kristian
Welcome to the SSG and congratulations on a first submission. It's quite a good one as well. I really like the chorus and Verse 1.
Verse 2 does need a little bit of work and it's there. A suggestion for the second line could be:
In a flurry of friends
And a suggestion for the fifth line
A choreographed fall
Otherwise it's really good
Good Stuff ;)
*Bonus-question: Would I make everyone mad if I send in a new version of a song I've already submitted to the MP3-section you have? I have one with low quality and just made a new one that sounds a lot better. It wouldn't be much of a problem to overwrite the old one, would it?
Mail it to Adam with that request and I'm sure he'll take care of it for you.
Bob
You are what you eat, eat well
Hi'a Kristian,
Really like your lyrics, the line you are undecided about
Me and my friends * (or me and many friends?) i would definately make it the latter... and many friends sound much better.
As for the MP3 Adam can replace it with the new one, he is very kind about that !!. I haven't heard it yet, so I will wait, let me know when the new version is up ok.
Go well
Jamir
I am a cloud within a cloud http://www.justjamir.com
you can hear my songs at :
Thanks for the suggestions and kind of words.. I didn't change the lyrics here, but I used them in my recording...
It was a more descriptive word, just what I had hoped for.
As for the MP3's, I sent them today (Blanket of White, Coffe for Two with improved quality).
They should be at http://mp3.moosoft.net/kristian_lier/
once Adam gets them up.
Feedback is greatly appreciated :)
"I wish there was an over the counter test for my loneliness"
Nice effort. You really did a good job with the
bringing the lyrics to life with the music.
Nice guitar work. The singing was a bit mumbled
compared to the clarity of the guitar.
Very nice. You got that Jack Johnson/Dave Matthews thing going on :)
When I read the lyrics, I only thought how good they were. But hearing you sing the second verse, I can tell you are not happy with them. You should probably write 3 or 4 versions and tweak those and decide which one makes you most comfortable, so that your singing of the second verse comes out more relaxed and natural. Other than that, I can only say that I am writhing in envy over here. Good job!
The Easy Song Database: http://www2.shore.net/~maryesme/bin/easy.cgi
Take part in its creation: https://www.guitarnoise.com/forums/viewforum.php?f=7
Thank you very much for your response, you are both correct.
As for the singing, I'm having a bit of trouble on getting the microphone to respond the way I want to. My soundcard is very poor as well, so that part isn't helping out very much. Lessons on mic-handling are much wanted and appreciated. Any help will do, I have to amplify parts of my singing at the moment because the mic won't catch parts that are higher than others (buy a new mic you say ? :) )
Oh, and by the way: You got that Jack Johnson/Dave Matthews thing going on :)
THAT is a compliment to me. They are both sources of inspiration to me! Thank you very much, means a lot! :)
When it comes to the second verse, I feel that I get out what I want from the verse, but not in the right way.
I think I'm searching for more descriptive words like Bobs suggestion (In a flurry of friends)
"I wish there was an over the counter test for my loneliness"
