SSG3-Wk3

OK, it really is getting late....3.02 am over here.......so just a couple of quick impressions....

First verse, I'd change "outside" to "but"....the first three lines give the a false impression of a kid at a desk with crayons.....until you read the fourth line....

I'm looking at this as verse,chorus verse,chorus and then a sort of outro verse and chorus combined, maybe in a different key...

the second verse is fine, both choruses work, just that last part...perhaps if you could explain how you see it? It's not that it doesn't work, I have had a hard time fitting a rhythm to it, the fact that it's five lines long and all the other verses and choruse are four lines long is just a tad confusing....unless it's one of those songs where the 4th line rhythm is repeated and held for the fifth line for emphasis?

:) :) :)

Vic

thanks for taking the time, i'll for sure go over yours (3 am?! whoah)

i agree the image is a little mixed in the first verse, i wasn't really sure where i was going. i'll tighten it up and repost.

the last verse, i dunno. this is where the lack of songwriting experience comes in. maybe i'll repeat the last line three more times (making the chorus/outro 8 lines total), or your idea of holding it for another phrase sounds interesting..

the different key thing, how would that work? i think it's in G, which would mean probably switching to D for the chorus/outro, then resolving in G? or would that sound weird and i'd have to switch back to G then end it?..

much appreciated, again.

I like the last two verses. At least as I'm reading it, the narrator is indicating that he (she) also is posting a sign to the world saying "Please no graffiti" and I'm intrigued by the sense of ownership implied by the "tagging" of an object, be it a wall, a subway car or a person.

I might like to suggest a short change in the second "chorus," something to bring in a bit of specific action (the old "show, don't tell") routine, you know...). Pehaps something like:

you say, please no graffiti
I'm paint proof anyway
please no graffiti
I'll just sandblast it away

As far as changes of keys go, there are (naturally) lots of ways of going about it and lots of examples to help you in that regard. There's even an old Guitar Column about it here at Guitar Noise called Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes, which you can find via the home page. That might help you out a bit.

Looking forward to reading more of your material.

Peace

hey:)

awesome idea, really!
love the images your song gives me. in my opinion the 4th part(chorus?) is the weakest but the others make up really well for it.
adore this:
you say, don't paint yourself on me
and everything else except the 4th thing I've mentioned. the way you let it end is cool, too(first thought the things in the brackets might be like a voice from the off, you know)...if you could make the last lines you repeat like coming from outside? and maybe if you want something else in the end repeat 'no graffiti' from inside. doesn't make any sense I guess, sorry:)

like it very much.
bluenightangel