First off, apologies for my lack of critiquing this week - I'm gonna have to post and run, I'm afraid. I'll get back to the SSG properly in the New Year!
Also, I used bluenightangel's first of many songs from last week:
Two stars out of five
You stare in bewilderment
At the bouquet of roses he sent
His letter says he awaits your reply
You feel like you really should but you'll again deny
He wanders his apartment
His weary heart is quite impatient
So he calls halfway through the night
All he gets for an answer is “Two stars out of five.â€
Sounds ridiculously like goodbye
Child, are you looking for the star
He pointed at saying “There you areâ€
He wishes on that celestial body
He gave her in a rush of adrenaline
Instead of “I love youâ€
Now they're almost through
He wonders why
She didn't simply say “Goodbyeâ€
Charily scattered hope rises again
She might have meant something different
While he turns his back on the chasm
In order to withstand approaching sarcasm
She releases her boundaries, this was no lie
Nor a riddle, really just “Two stars out of five.â€
Not to devour integrity
Not to disappear in anonymity
Not to challenge his intelligence
“Two stars out of five†is all she meant.
And here is my poor attempt at a re-working, called the same, I guess:
"Two stars out of five".
Two stars out of five?
Two stars out of five?
What the hell does that mean?
Some would say it sounds
ridiculously like goodbye,
But I don't believe it.
I can't believe it
I won't believe it
It's a riddle or a lie.
You're devouring my integrity.
You challenge my intelligence.
Trying to disappear into anonymity.
“Two stars out of five†can't be all you meant.
What about my letter?
My bouquet of roses?
You never did reply -
You never said goodbye.
You must have meant something different
with "two stars out of five".
I can believe that.
I will believe that.
I do believe that.
Without you I'd die.
Not to disappear in anonymity.
Not to challenge your intelligence.
Not to devour your integrity.
“Two stars out of five�
I'll bring you off the fence.
Well, there it is.
Also - Happy New Year (a little early, perhaps) to all!!!
G
Listen Louder Than You Play
hi G:)
so you wrote from the boy's point of view(whereas geoffrey chose the girl), interesting.
I begin to feel like I misunderstood this week's assignment(or you did misunderstand it :wink: ) I thought it wasn't about rewriting so much but rather about taking what is already there and changing the pattern- not making a whole new song out of it. :roll:
but that's not meant to be criticism, I like your song. especially the last two lines are great;)
the happy new year comes quite in time for me, well still 12 hours to go till midnight here but anyway;) wish you a happy new year, too! (with much more time for SSG :wink: )
greetings,
bluenightangel
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
Gjbrake
It seems to me what you wrote was more a response to Bluenightangel's
piece than a reworking of the rhyme scheme.
Interesting idea but slightly off the assignment. Although that would be a good idea for a future assignment.
I do like what you wrote though. Good writing.
Celt
