I has looking though my old note book and A bunch of verses and a chorus I liked but they don't fit together so i figured someone here could help. heres the chorus
War and genocide
War can't be justified
War and the women cried
As the sun came up a country died
For that one I was thinking writing a narrative about a soldier in the army and I was thinking about putting it in either the future or civil war era, but any help is great.
As for the verses they are
This anger burns my skin as I lay here with a grin
Acid ink of a ripped out page, the only therapy to control my rage
Hatred and misery have no effect on me
emotions are now destroyed, give me something to fill the void
shadows loom and the sky turns gray as reality slips away
save me I'm fading fast, haunted memories of a distant past
infected wounds from the lies I scrape, I fall alone without escape
Created shackles now bound a slave, give me the feeling that I crave
For the verses I had either a drug being used as metaphor chorus going on or it being about a man whos lost his identity and is very enraged about it. thanks for all the help
Nico
hey :wink:
"acid ink of a ripped out page" - that is true beauty, i like this very much.
wish i could help you, but (at least for now) i can't think of anything. still wanted to let you know about the line above :wink: maybe this image of a book with few or no pages left, abandoned on the pavement somewhere or afloat on a dirty little creek could be a nice basis for the chorus.. or maybe something along the lines of it's losing pages, getting thinner (that is emptier), like i am, too. ..um.... if i do think of something real i'll post it.
cheers,
straycat.
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
The chorus I find interesting but think it could use a little editing.
It seems to me to be one of those cases of "less is more"
Something like:
War and genocide
Can't be justified
As the women cried
The Sun arose a nation died
My other thought would be that genocide is not something most people associate
directly with The Civil War. Maybe the conflict with the Native Americans
after the Civil War would work better. That is also why I changed "country"
to "nation" to give it a more Native American feel.
The verses are well written but don't inspire me at the moment
except to agree with Straycat.
"acid ink of a ripped out page" - that is true beauty, i like this very much.
John
Hi
I like how John cut down the amount of words , maybe you could do the same sort of thing for the rest ...
You might get some more lines from the throw away words
Trev.. :wink:
Here is to you as good as you are
And here is to me as bad as I am
As good as you are and as bad as I am
I'm as good as you are as bad as I am
John's suggestion for the chorus seems fine to me! I couldn't think of a way to re-write it, but his chorus looks very good. (it's probably just a typo, but i would tend to insert a comma after "arose" :wink: )
as for the chorus, i have a little something here to propose to you :wink:
as autumn thinns my book
i drown paper boats in the crook
and set fire to the polaroids of [insert something here]
or maybe along the lines of...
as autumn thinns my book
the loose pages in the brook
leave me crooked
... um.. maybe you or someone else could take this and make it into a proper chorus. maybe it's out of tune with your verses... well. anyways. just a tiny suggestion, feel free to ignore me :wink:
cheers,
straycat.
"oh, eventually it will break your heart" - anders wendin
