SSG9 WK 41 - untitled

Hi Nick,

I have a suggestion based on what I read in Pattison's "Writing Better Lyrics". Although I don't have a handle on it yet, the concept makes sense.

He states that the difference between a simile and a metaphor is the simile keeps the attention on the subject, while a metaphor shifts the attention to the object of the metaphor. So his "rule of thumb" is if you have several comparisons in mind, use simile. When you're only using one concept/comparison, use only the one comparison and commit to it throughout the song.

Pattison explains more in details and examples, but I want to be sensitive to not "publishing/posting" copyrighted material.

Anyway, having one verse about hide and seek and one about skipping stones seems that you'd be leaning more to using similes; keeping the focus on the main subject (love lost/missing for the singer) rather than transferring the focus.

Take or leave as you see fit :wink:

James

That's a good point, and I have the book so I'll do some reading. Those two verses were thoughts I had while driving, so I really don't know where they'll go and I'm not married to either of them. Stretching one out for another couple of verses seems daunting though.

pages 19 and 21 was what I was referring to.
Stretching one out for another couple of verses seems daunting though.
Here are some questions or thoughts that came to my mind that might help a direction

I'm hiding my eyes
and I'm counting by fives (INDICATES CHEATING OR A CHEATER....didn't count be "ones"......SO MAYBE THAT IS WHY THE SINGEE LEFT)
though I try I can't find you again
you were right by my side girl and then
disappeared like you were pretend (FIRST THE GIRL IS SUPPOSED TO DISAPPEAR B/C IT'S HIDE AND SEEK)....BUT WAS THE GIRL PRETEND....COULD BE DEVELOPED......What happens to the seeking....was the girl really waiting/playing or did she go off and do something else?

I'm skipping some stones
on the lake by our home (OUR HOME seems a bit grown up....I'd picture a kid saying my house or by the house.....the distinction could indicate how "loved" the singer felt.....did he live in a house or a home?
the ripples were there now they're gone (Ripples are supposed to be gone......same as in hide and seek so the girl and ripples are doing what is expected.....so is the problem real or does the singer have unrealistic expectations or has he done something HE thinks is unforgivable.......stones sinking could also indicate an acidental childhood drowning which could come first before the hide and seek; as in the girl drowns but the boy is still looking for her.....maybe along the lines of Bridge to Terabithia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bridge_to_Terabithia_%28novel%29
there's nothing where you once belonged
just echoes of what I did wrong (or maybe echoes of what went wrong....as in no one to blame.....)

Regarding other verses.....other things not meant to last from childhood could work.....sand castles.....ice cream (cones)
......sparklers.......

.....if you go with the girl dead angle, you could say "Love is a/the sixth sense"......and develop the idea as ghosts "linger" after the physical body is gone.............feelings linger after the person/relationship/communication has ended- by choice or uncontrolled reasons........

Take or leave what you will :wink:

James

I'm using the hide and seek/kick the can angle myself this week, so I'm kicking myself for even reading this!
BTW, what happened to the list song about pop tarts?