What do you know, I wrote something! Not that great though..I switched tenses (isn't that a bad thing) and I'm not sure if I used enough descriptive language for the assignment. I only count about 9 or 10. That being said, here's the song. PLEASE critique it mercilessly, as I really want to know what I can do better.
*Verse 1*
A face from a faded photo
Gazes back at me
As I stare down at the stone
Near the park
In the dark city
*Verse 2*
As I gaze into it's eyes
I see a weathered rose
Like hundreds more lying there
In between the rows
*Chorus*
Withered corpses longing
Longing for a home
Searching through the darkness
But they are all alone
*Verse 3*
The frowning moon looks down
Upon the ghastly sight
All the dead are in the ground
On this cold lonely night
*Verse 4*
No one to look after them
No one even cares
Except for St. Mary
White cobwebs in her hair
*Outro*
The darkness lifts
The sun rises
It's a brand new day
But another lonely night
Is just a day away
©2003 Tom Danner
Thanks a lot! (And thanks to those who responded to my other topic.)
-Tom
Wow! - Nice work!
I love the way the chorus flows, and how you repeat the word "longing."
Verse 4:
No one to look after them
No one even cares
Except for St. Mary
White cobwebs in her hair
reminds me so much of The Beatle's "Eleanor Rigby."
You have a very good ending, and I don't think you have a tense problem at all (it's all present tense, which works well).
As for suggestions/questions, comments:
In verse one, what are you trying to say? Are you staring at a headstone in a cemetery? Or just a rock in a park?
Verse two you use the word gaze again
As I gaze into it's eyes
(after using it in V1). Maybe you could change V2 to:
As I peer into its eyes
It's picky I know, just a suggestion...
Then, you have:
Like hundreds more lying there
I kept getting stuck on that line - it seems like it should be
and hundreds more are lying there,
or hundreds more lie dying there
The imagery you do have is good, but I guess you could add more.
Maybe a wispy ghost, or leaves crackling underfoot, or trees rustling, or more...
Hope this was some help!
- Silly putty
I like the outro, how you show that this scene will be repeated in just a short time. I don't see where you switched tenses.
Verse 2 needs some help:
As I gaze into it's eyes
I see a weathered rose
Like hundreds more lying there
In between the rows
How about:
As I gaze past the photo
I see a weathered rose
Like hundreds more withering here
In between the rows
Could also try wilting here instead of withering here.
Rich
Hi Tom,
It's a good framework for a lyric. Good writing.
Write out some more things you'd see in a horror movie, or graveyard, or nightmare. Once you have them, try to convert them and plug them in as descriptive things.
Look at the logical flow of what you have and see if everything is clear. I can tell you I don't know what "it's" is in it's eyes. The photo?
And last but not least, what is the underlying story? What is the point of the song? It seems to wander a bit without telling me anything.
But like I said it's a good framework, keep at it.
