I am pretty new to song writing so I could really use some constructive criticism! Â This is kind of "late" (I feel like I am in school handing in a late assignment!), but I don't see a topic for week 4 . Â Hope you like it.
Purple
The Eve of All Souls
The full moon glows in the dark night
All of the day animals hide out of sight
The silence is broken by the hoot of an owl
Then a werewolf looks to the sky and howls
It is the eve of all souls and the dead are permitted
To create mischief as they walk amongst the living
The evil they bring wipes out all that is good
And they cover the world with innocents' blood
The Devil lurks the streets in his disguise
Hiding under his mask his yellow glowing eyes
Vampires and phantoms hear him and obey his decree
They let loose on the earth their monstrous deeds
They are out on the prowl looking for those
To torture and mangle and then take their souls
Be careful, for you may end up with them
Then you will surely be their next victim
It is the eve of all souls and the dead are permitted
To create mischief as they walk amongst the living
The evil they bring wipes out all that is good
And they cover the world with innocent blood
The leaves rustle as the morning dawns
All the evil that crept at night is now gone
Thrown back into their hellish den
Another year they will wait to return again
It's not easy being green.... good thing I'm purple.
I liked the song. Good use of imagery.
Nick or Dave will point out: No word list :-)
Only thing I found was the line:
Hiding under his mask his yellow glowing eyes
It just does not flow right, but I can't think of another
way to say it.
Rich
Thanks for feedback
I think the line could just be changed to?
"His mask hides his yellow glowing eyes"
I obviously went with the Halloween approach which you can see in the song and in the word list.
Imagery list: Full moon, dark night, werewolf, phantoms, vampire, devil, disguise, dead, howling, glowing eyes, blood, mask, hell, rustling leaves, mischief
It's not easy being green.... good thing I'm purple.
How about
His mask hides glowing eyes or
Yellow eyes behing a mask hides or
Behind his mask glowing eyes hides
-All of the day animals hide out of sight
This line cuold need some work, Animals hide out of sight is OK, but, All of the day dont seem to fit. I see what you are trying to say, but it rubs me wrong. I dont have a good sugestion to give you right now
That should give you something to think about
I like the rest of the song. It would benefitt from if you took a couple of minutes just going over it again to check and recheck. Like in V3 line4, it need some work
Looking forward to see more
Blessings. Olav
Thanks Olav,
You got me! I was a little shaky on the day animals line. I didnt want to just say "all of the animals hide out of sight" because then I am talking about the owl and the werewolf hooting and howling. I think I am just going to drop the word "day" from that line. I was hoping it would go unnoticed but obviously my reservations on that line were right!
Some other quick changes: V3
Be careful, You may end up with them
To/and(?) meet your fate as their next victim
Then in v4, line 2 a simple change, I am dropping the word all. And the last line in the stanza, change to:
To wait another year to return again
I think I am going to change V2L2 to what I said before:
His mask hides his glowing yellow eyes
I think that these lines are a little hard to say although, I do like the first one.
Yellow eyes behind a mask hide
Behind his mask glowing eyes hide
Thanks for your input, it is always appreciated.
Purple
It's not easy being green.... good thing I'm purple.
Hi Purple,
Good work, it looks like you are getting the idea.
Check out the logical flow of your verses, do you have an end game in mind for the lyric?
The full moon pierces
the full moon drives it's stake through the dark of night
Line two you already know about.
Read it while outloud while walking around and see if anything strikes you as out of place.
Good writing,
Nick
