"A tribute to those Brothers of mine"
Years from then
Looking back at the good ol days with them
We were thick as thieves
Closer than leaves
But time changes everything
Where are we going now
What is the use
We took all the abuse
Will some one show me how
There's Robbie laying there thinking he's fab
Twenty years later my mate & brother he was stabbed
Oh yes there's Johnny we called Ringo
Speaking Aussie lingo
I'm sitting by his side
But twenty one years later the silly bugger committed suicide
Where are we going now
What is the use
We took all the abuse
Will some one show me how
Just to our right
Is big brother mike
He was a little older
When it came to dares
He was bolder
Ha Ha I see Dag's as well
Looking very smart and brash
Smiling away what's he trying to sell
Lost his life in a auto crash
Where are we going now
What is the use
We took all the abuse
Will some one show me how
When we were kids we numbered twelve
People now say don't sit around and dwell
Forty years on we only number five
The only remaining little boys alive
Thank you all for your in put I broke down in tears many times writting this but it was something I just had to do
once again THANK-YOU 8)
Aghhhh
Not only am I a senior citizen
I'm now a bloody senior member
Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?
over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )
Hey!
Good writing - it's certainly come a long way from your original ideas back in the other post.
The stanzas are like this, the way I'm getting it:
Intro-bit
Chorus
Verse1
Chorus
Verse2
Chorus
Outro-bit
Is that right?
If so, it is just the verse1 that I would suggest some ideas for - otherwise I think it's ready to rock!
Here goes:
Verse 1-
There's Robbie laying there
thinking he's fab
Twenty years later
my mate & brother
he was stabbed
Oh yes there's Johnny we called Ringo
I'm sitting by his side
Speaking Aussie lingo
But twenty one years later the silly bugger committed suicide
I structured this one like you've done with verse 2 - you've got some good rhymes in there, but the last line could really do with being shorter.
I didn't feel 'silly bugger' really fitted either - it's the only time in the song that you talk about your feelings towards a particular brother rather than what they were like, so it seemed odd.
I don't know what you will want to take out of that line, but like it is above with a shorter last line, then it will match verse 2 closely enough that you should be able to make up the gaps with the music.
In a general sense, it's some good writing - it'll just be easier to read and easier to put to music (if you haven't already done so) if that verse is 'tweaked' a little!
Well done!
G
Listen Louder Than You Play
yes you got the stanzas right
reading what you wrote does make a lot of sense
I was content with this but you are right again putting that verse to music is the hardest part of the song
I'll take on board what you have mentioned
and tweek it but maybe later I just wanna move on from this piece right now
but thanks for your advise :D :D :D
Aghhhh
Not only am I a senior citizen
I'm now a bloody senior member
Are you people trying to tell me I'm old or what ?
over 700 posts ( I really do need to get out more )
