Edit: very well.
Submission numero dose.
The doorman.
How's the child, nice to meet you,
I don't recall your name.
Fake a smile, know your see through,
and you've topped out in the game.
Weighted by, the living lie,
it takes just to survive.
A sorry man, does what he can,
to remember he's alive.
I've come back from a travel,
we're lovers on a whim,
if you could be so kind sir,
would you please let us in.
It's a bitter taste, to know your place,
and find that your beneath,
a whore, a prick, a nut, a dick
a dealer, and a thief.
I've come back from a travel,
we're lovers on a whim,
if you could be so kind sir,
would you please let us in.
Etched with a shaky hand,
and always at demand.
A pillar to withstand the days.
To wait and watch from in the haze.
Of mans forgotten plan
Your humble doorman.
©2006 J. Aldridge
"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell
Hi, please don't try to defeat the censor. We keep it on for a reason.
That was pretty quick, I was about to post this.
Alright I'm going to make the first reply cause I got some esssplainin to do.
First off, HAHA I BEAT THE MACHINE, and I apologize for the foul language, I hope the warning in the title is sufficient. If not, I'll change it back to, "women of the evening" and "the Richard."
Alright second, you'll find an alt lyrics in the last verse, this is because when I wrote down "earns a pension at attention" I cracked up for like three and a half minutes. After reading it through though, I realized how much it broke the somber tone of the song and added some more fitting alternative lyrics.
Lastly, I'd like to say that the fact that the ryme scheme was changed between the first verse and the rest was accidental, and I was wondering if ya'll thought it stood out too much.
"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell
Hi Saber
I think the "pension at attention" line is pretty good and while it brought a smile to my face it didn't detract from the overall feel of the song which I felt kind of wistful more than somber.
Be that as it may, that stanza is the weakest part of the lyric (in its current form) because it's the only place where you go to being a third person narrator. What makes the other parts of the song compelling is that you're inside the head and here it's simply an overview that doesn't truly add much to your lyric. Perhaps you should try rewriting that section from either the doorman's or that of the John. Or even just drop it. The song's got plenty going for it already.
Looking forward to more.
Peace
YAY A REPLY.
And actually you have a very good point. You know I hadn't noticed that I'd switched perspectives, but from between the chorus and the verses. In my mind I wrote all of the verses in third and then the chorus from the eyes of the people who live there, but now I realize how ambiguous the first and third verses are, and even the second could possibly be construed as first person.
The point you make about the last verse being the weakest is true too. I think I sort of realized it too, because in my sad attempt of putting music to the lyrics, which is on-going along with my struggle to play and sing at the same time, I have myself yelling the third verse and closing the last one off quietly. I'm not too sure about taking it out all together though. I like the vagueness it presents, but am a bit apprehensive at ending it on the third verse as it is.
Etched with a shaky hand,
and always at demand.
A pillar to withstand the days.
To wait and watch from in the haze.
Of mans forgotten plan
Your humble doorman.
Ok, I just wrote this because I felt ANGRY. But now I'm just angry I might have to work it into my already struggling headphone recording sessions. Alright, and I used your suggestion with this mr. Hodge. The new verse, if it still sounds coherent tomorrow, is void of any third person pronouns, giving it that "floaty perspective" feel of the other verses. Plus I changed the rhyme scheme, quite possibly too dramatically, and somehow managed to divide short lines followed by silences, by the two continuous lines in the middle, which might give the song enough finish to remove the chorus from the end of the song.
O.k. I'm out later.
"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell
