Week 23 Leave it all behind

So I put my country hat on and tried a few chords....

It's immediately noticeable that the first line has a nice catchy rhythm, but as it stands (with typos adjusted).....it doesn't quite gel.

"I'm gonna buy me a ticket today hope it takes me far away."

OK, you're going to buy a ticket - but unless you're going on a magical mystery tour, you KNOW the destination - so what's the point in hoping? Either it will, or it won't, but you WILL know.....

Maybe, "I'm going to buy me a ticket today, to someplace far away"......would work better.

"Gonna see the coast I'm gonna make the most".....this doesn't seem to have the same rhythm, you're either going to have to drag the syllables out somewhat OR change the rhythm and possibly the melody you have in mind. And - make the most of what, exactly? You make the most OF something......

So I'd suggest adding another two lines to the verse....if you're going to persevere with the coast/most line of thought, maybe something like, "I might just head for the coast, but I'm going to make the most...."

THEN you'd have to start the next part of the verse with something like (going back to the same rhythm and melody as the first line).......

Of my new found freedom...or something similar, maybe "independence" instead of freedom.....possibly rhyming independence with "sentence" as in, "now I've finished my sentence".....hinting at the fact you've been trapped, maybe in a relationship, maybe in a small town, whatever....

Now all you've got to do is find another couple of lines to finish the verse off.....

Chorus seems OK as it stands - I always did like the trick of starting and ending a chorus with the same line, we had an SSG topic last year that asked us to do that for each verse and chorus! - although " you know that I'll be fine" seems one too many syllables - maybe drop the slightly unnecessary "that?"

Anyway, you've got the beginning of a song, and a reasonably structured chorus.....maybe the second verse could deal with WHY you want to get away, then either add a bridge, or a third verse wrapping all up - maybe you did buy the ticket, where did you end up? Maybe you didn't buy the ticket, and you could start the last section with "I'm gonna buy me a ticket tomorrow....?

Up to you where you go from here......and please don't feel discouraged if I seem over-critical, I'm trying to point out what seem like the flaws to ME....all it needs is a bit of thought, a bit of direction, and a bit of planning. I've said it before, I know, but it's worth repeating - songwriting's like any other musical discipline, you've got to put the work into it - and the more you put in, the more you'll get out. Best of luck finishing this!

:D :D :D

Vic

hey :wink:

i think it's a good start and you could take this to some beautiful song.
Vic's suggestions sound interesting, maybe they'll get you going again.
as for the "hope it takes me far away" bit- it works for me.. in the sense of not physically far away but mentally. sometimes you can go as far as you want and your mind still just lags behind.
I also stumbled over the "most"- love the line, but it seems dangling, unfinished. i am always in for a little bending of rules, but this feels not quite right (to me only, of course, if it feels right for you- keep it!)...
i'd go with Vic's suggestion of adding another line here, beginning with "of..." or again with something like "the most... the most.. ..(of)..."
and I also love the "I'm headed out to night"- hope it's no typo and you really meant "to night" :wink:

if you don't mind, i have fiddled around a bit with this...... :wink:

I'm gonna buy me a ticket today, hope it takes me far away
Gonna see the coast, I'm gonna make the most
Of this broken bone
the most, the most, the most beautiful skeleton

I'm gonna see the coast, I'm gonna make the most
Of this half-said word string (for lack of a better word)
The most, the most, the most beautiful sentence

I'm gonna see the coast
I'm gonna make the most
I'm gonna see the coast
I'm gonna make the most
the most, the most, the most beautiful entrance/exit/whatever or leave that line out entirely

I'm gonna leave it all behind
I ain't wasting no more time
I'm headed out to night, you know that I'll be fine
I'm gonna leave it all behind

just an idea. feel free to ignore me :D
best of luck finishing this from me, too :D it's a great start.

cheers,
straycat.

Thanks for the input guys :D

I love the potential you have with this start. Its definitely a good country groove. I would leave the lines you have just as they are - I found several ways to phrase them which set you up well for the soaring chorus.

If I have any suggestion, its to expand on what you are leaving behind in the rest of the verses:
-a shitty job
-a broken heart/lost love
-people who keep you down/don't understand you
-a place you want to forget
-someone you want to forget
-friends who let you down

...and so on.

The state of mind that would work well for writing this one would be how would you describe it all to someone you just met at the bar (and decided to open yourself to). I always try to write to someone specific. Your new friend at the bar would be the perfect person for you to write this one to (unless you already have someone).

This is some thing that I wrote not to long ago and I just got stuck with it

I'm gonna buy me a ticket today hopt it takes me far a away.
Gonna see the coast I'm gonna make the most

I'm gonna leave it all behind
I aint wasting no more time
I'm headed out to night you know that I'll be fine
I'm gonna leave it all behind

I was thinking through this verse, and maybe it was just the way I was reading it, but in the third line it seemed it would sound better if your last word rhymed with "night" rather than "behind" and "time". There are a lot of possibilities here. For instance, you can say exactly the same thing with:

I'm(or it's) gonna' be alright

But that line might be a bit too common. You could also go with something like:

I'm gonna' set my sights, or
To see some brand new sights, or
You know I'm takin' flight

With some thought I'm sure there are many other possibilities, as there are so many words that rhyme with "Night"

Or, maybe with the melody you have in mind it would work the way it is, I don't know.