I've been pretty bad at keeping up with these lately, so I did one.
Morning.
Meet the morning
break the clock
and beat the hour
sunlight shower
Underwater
under pressure
crack an egg
and burn a finger
Stand before
a skinless body
Twisted, out of shape
and sorry
Cloak the shame
and shake a tremble
Pants the bitter
resignation
Eye the watch
and tension bites
Key the door
turn out the lights
Stand before
a shell of ego
Where did all
the golden days go
Honk the horn
and scream out fury
Curse the race
and sweat out worry
Dream of beaches
Dream a story
drift upon the
wings of glory.
"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell
Hi Saber
This seems to be a little more looking in through the window rather than out, but the narration is apart enough to make it work both ways, I guess.
And the sparse narration makes it work. Even though it's hardly impartial (what narration is?), particularly in the second and fourth stanzas (bridges? choruses?), it takes enough of a third person approach to give it a universal feel rather than a specific one. That's all a very badly wordy way of saying that it seems you're observing a lot of people rather than just one.
For some reason, this style brings Tom Petty to mind this morning.
Welcome back! Looking forward to reading more.
Peace
Hey, thanks!
I was going more of an out of body thing. Where every morning it just feels like your watching your routine from above. It's almost like it gets so repetitive you don't even care enough to mentally participate in it anymore. I don't know, maybe I'm the only one who gets like that.
Then I also tryed to make it very non-specific, so maybe it does appeal to a wide range of people.
I'm trying to think about how to turn it into music. The tone I've got in mind makes it only like 30 seconds long. DOE!!!! So I might have to add more. WE'LL SEE!!!
"Like the coldest winter chill. Heaven beside you. Hell within." -Jerry Cantrell
I like
I like
this is my first attempt here so mine came out short and snappy as well. Maybe it's a summer thing.
thanks for posting
gram99
"Nothing happens until something moves."
Albert Einstein
Hi Saber,
I enjoyed this alot, I felt like watching someone's routine at least :)
I like the way the verses flow, but
Stand before
a shell of ego
Where did all
the golden days go
I feel this part doesn't flow as well as the rest. I dunno, maybe I've been spoiled with all the letter-rhymes (if that's what they're called) and the good flow in the rest of the song.
The tone I've got in mind makes it only like 30 seconds long. DOE!!!! So I might have to add more. WE'LL SEE!!!
Hmmm... given this is a song about everyday routine, why not sing it over and over? 99 bottles of rum, anyone? :lol: (Am I tired or did I make a funny?)
:)
-man
"I wish there was an over the counter test for my loneliness"
