Week 38 Hold Me Again

Welcome to the forums! I hope you continue writing with us. Realy good writing for your first try. I must admit. but there are some things that need fixing.

(Chorus)

Hold me again, and let me see,
that young girl you used to be.
the one on the beach, with the stars in her eyes.
the one who could who could melt me with her sighs.
the one who made a man out of me,
that young girl you used to be.

in the chorus two line literally stick out and don't sound right.
the one on the beach, with the stars in her eyes.
the one who could who could melt me with her sighs.

they are too long for the stanza and need some shortening.

note* you repeated who could in the fourth line, im not sure if it was intentional or not but i would suggest removing it.

also about the chorus, it is longer than the rest of the stanza's. all the other stanza's in your song are 4 lines long. besides the bridge. your chorus is six lines long. I would suggest taking out the last two lines to shorten it and because they don't seem to be needed.

i.e.

Hold me again, and let me see,
that young girl you used to be.
the one on the beach, with the stars in her eyes.
the one who could who could melt me with her sighs.

with these four you still get that image in your head of the young girl with starze in here eyes holding you again after a long time.

Remember these are just my suggestions and you do not have to use them. so do what you like and good luck! hope to see more from you in the future. :D

Thanks for the suggestions
I see what you mean about the middle lines of the chorus

I'm a little.. reluctant to remove the last 2 lines, they seem to "complete" the thought to, me anyway. I'm going to attempt putting this to guitar later, but for now, I don't mind the chorus being longer.. maybe I'll have to add another verse to get the same feeling, if I can't make it work then.

here's how I've changed the chorus, so far

(Chorus)

Hold me again, and let me see,
that young girl you used to be.
on the beach, with stars in her eyes
who could melt me with her sighs.
the one who made a man out of me,
that young girl you used to be.

I'm not happy with the 4th line yet, it doesn't seem to "flow" the same as the others.. but again something I'll feel better when I put it to music I suppose.

yeah, thats what I mean. Its your song do what you think sounds best. like the revision :lol:

hey eddy,

*CheapThrill puts on her fuzzy, bunny slippers before she starts her ass kickin' here* :lol:

this is a very good first ever song writing attempt. wish mine was this good.

ok about the chorus that was mentioned before, i do have to agree that it is a bit long. but i do see why you don't want to get rid of the 5th line in it. i don't like the line "that young girl you used to be" being repeated. i think it would be better to just cut the second time it is used. you can have a line hanging without a corresponding line to rhyme with it.

these two lines
"I want to hold you near
But, I'm afraid you'll disappear "
those a just great. i feel the nervousness in the song, especially in those lines. i would like to feel more from this song.

i know what i am going to say next is not going to help you much but maybe someone else out there can help a bit more. but at least to me i would like to feel a bit more from this song. in the first two verses, they are a good start, but i am lacking something. it might just be the poet in me but i feel like i have one foot in the doorway to more story/emotion but i am not aloud to know it all. like i am being held back.

that could just be me and it could be fine just the way it is. sorry if my comments didn't help, at least i tried.

keep on writting, you can only get better my doing it.

-CheapThrill

Thanks for your comments Cheapthrills :)

Actually you have helped me see, why it was I had this "not quite done" feeling about the song.. it seems to fall short on the payoff, I do believe it does need another verse, or a changed last verse, to show why this woman was, and is still so special. Chorus good for "was".. last verse needs to finalise, better than the one I have..

I will try and revise it before sunday.. and post one I'm "happy" with :wink: if thats possible

Just wanted to be sure, and let ya know your advice was understood, and considered :)

hey eddy,

well i am very happy to hear that my comments helped you out and that i wasn't just rambling on. can't wait to read that revision.

hopefully i was gentle enough. :wink:

-CheapThrill

No problem.. be cruel.. be honest.. ;-)

If I wanted gentle I'd show it to my mother.. :lol:

Well.. seems like I'm not going to get a revision by Sunday now does it ;-)

But, since I figure there are probably many people who aren't submiting songs, but, who are reading to try and learn soemthing, I thought I'd leave a little message, about why I think I didn't get what I wanted out of this song ( at least, so far anyway.. not throwing away.. just putting away until I get an idea of how to do it better... )

A song, is an expression of emotions, usually in a form similar to a story.. at least how I see them anyway :). When I started.. I had the one line in my head

"You were the one who got away"

A nice little line, which evokes quite a few emotions, don't you think? A great starting point..

Seeing how the assignment was happy endings, there's the gist of what I wanted.. The one who got away.. comes back.. there was my inspiration..

What I ended up doing though, was exhausting that inspiration within the first 2 verses, before I even started the chorus.. the muse, and emotion... were lost after that, I had no where left to go.. so. the chorus was "strained", and the last verse, was mostly just a tack on.. since it needed another..

Lesson I think I learned.. ( which after all is more to the point of this forum, than getting a finished song out of me.. ) Is to hold back a little, save something for the ending.. I should probably have spent the first 2 verses, lamenting about the one who got away... and then find her again, in the chorus.. last verse.. not just find her, but rekindle what was lost..

I hope me stating this helps soemone else who maybe reading :-) and thanks to all for the comments, which helped me to learn a little more than I had known before...

See y'all next song ;-)

hey eddy,

it is really nice to know that you learned a lot from our comments. even though i haven't posted a song that i could help out another person.

it was nice to hear what your thought process was though out the song. it is helpful to hear what other people do to get an idea from seed to full tree/song. like you said this is a learning forum so what ever else someone can add to a song or to let others know a bit about how you wrote it always helps.

you never know when that one piece of info that you were thinking is that percise piece of info that another person needs. i am glad to see someone like you join the forum. hopefully i will be able to write a song that you will be able to comment to. keep your fingers crossed for me. :)

-CheapThrill