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And What About This One

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(@george_)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 12
Topic starter  

Well I'm back after a delay of almost 6 months. I wrote so much music and quite a few lyrics (that's the problem with my writing). Here's a song I recently completed.Feel free to express your oppinion.

Ve1:
I remember in my life
Some days of blue
I wasn't satisfied
And so were you
Those days've passed away
But what will ensue
Before the present day is through

Re:
High or low
Although life - it is too short
I'm gonna stand and carry on
All yor dreams
Someday are gonna take wings
And gonna fly beyond the wall

Ve2:
You're standing by my side
Beneath the rising sun
And I am satisfied
And we're as one
Today I feel allright
But what is goin' to come
Before this present day is gone

Re:
High or low
Although life - it is too short
I'm gonna stand and carry on
All yor dreams
Someday are gonna take wings
And gonna fly beyond the wall

They're gonna fly beyond the wall ...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one


   
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(@eddygl)
Active Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 8
 

First off, nice song :) , I can almost imagine the music behind it, as I read

Only fault I can find, is in the first verse..

I wasn't satisfied
And so were you

Should probably be

I wasn't satisfied
And neither were you

Or something similar, just a matter of matching a negative with a negative


   
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(@eddygl)
Active Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 8
 

:wink:


   
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(@george_)
Eminent Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 12
Topic starter  

Fuck!
I wonder how I hadn't noticet that stupid ... However.
Ok. Thanks for the remark.
I think that this would do it with the melody and syllables:

I wasn't satisfied
And neither you

But is really sounds a little bit worse.If youcan suggest sth else welcvome
But I insist on this "I wasn't satisfied" line to stay

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one


   
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(@cheapthrill)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 224
 

how about this:

I wasn't satisfied
and you weren't either

there are the same number of syllables, but not sure if it futs with the melody.

-CheapThrill


   
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(@thejackal)
Estimable Member
Joined: 20 years ago
Posts: 79
 

What if your tried the line

baby were you?

but there would be a small pause between baby and were you.

That way it matches a little closer syllable wise to your original line.

TheJackal

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=283413

Only dead fish go with the flow.


   
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