This is a very rough demo (definitely future rerecording) for the second song idea I had from the last assignment, not alot of time to work on this but wanted to share. Fooling around with copying sections, looping, vocal and guitar effects on Garageband again. I took different focus and time perspective but still in narrator voice, first person didn't feel right. It's a bit long at a little over 5 minutes so if you just want to comment on lyrics I understand. Input would be appreciated, especially on the following:
1. Title - having trouble picking which hook to use as the title. Alternates were "Nagging Need for Nicotine" or "It's Just a Matter of Time"
2. Song structure - do I subtract by eliminate a chorus, one of the verses or bridges? Or do I add to bring the story to a resolution?
3. Melody and lead - I was basically making each track up on the fly and likely threw in a few alien notes.
Thanks for reading
Chorus
Thelma's got a nagging need for nicotine
It's her choice of incarceration
Staring out the window birds in the tree
Stuck here in this institution
Its only a matter of time
Verse 1
Cigarettes were cool in the teenage dream
Beat poets reciting in the coffee shop
Thelma in her short skirt used to flirt
Smoked and joked with the bohemian concert
George skipped school writing poetry
Split home at sixteen feeling to go free
Read his rhythmic poems students sipped coffee
knowed and owed to pay the peyote
Bridge 1
Thelma and George life on the road kids like Kerouac
Box cars in a beat railroad not turning back
Repeat Chorus
Bridge 2
Money ran out end of the handouts
Carrie's in a coma wonder where she was
Thelma & George don't talk anymore
Beat railroad runs no more
Verse 2
Thelma leans on the door frame
Impatiently tapping her heels on the floor
A silent poem without a name
Nagging need for nicotine at the door
Withdrawal while standing withdrawal while sleeping
shaking hands delirium tremens
High is gone softens the deep bends
Tapping nagging need for nicotine
Repeat chorus
Outro
to see
Hi Andy,
I like it. a bit on the long side, but I like the overall idea.
Suggestions
Verse 1
Cigarettes were cool in the teenage dream
Beat poets reciting in the coffee shop
Thelma in her MINI skirt used to flirt
Smoked and joked with the bohemian concert
George skipped school writing poetry
Split home at sixteen feeling to go free
Read his rhythmic poems students sipped coffee
knowed and owed to pay the peyote
Chorus
(Remember) Thelma and George
Life on the road kids like Kerouac
Box cars in a beat railroad not turning back
Verse 2
Thelma leans on the door frame
Impatiently tapping her heels on the floor
A silent poem without a name
Nagging need for nicotine at the door
Withdrawal while standing withdrawal while sleeping
shaking hands delirium tremens
High is gone softens the deep bends
Tapping nagging need for nicotine
chorus
Verse 3
Money ran out end of the handouts
Thelma & George don't talk anymore
Beat railroad runs no more
Thelma's got a nagging need for nicotine
It's her choice of incarceration
Staring out the window birds in the tree
Stuck here in this institution
Its only a matter of time
*******maybe add a line in verse 3 about George instead of introducing "Carrie" as another character
chorus
Outro
to see
cut out
Carrie's in a coma wonder where she was
Repeat chorus
Thanks for sharing :D
James
